|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Jennifer S. Chmielewski on 09-Aug-2005 | 10 things about PMS1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, 'How's my driving? Call 1 800 ****"**.'
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Donna on 09-Aug-2005 | women understand10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your curls to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND,
The No. 1 thing only women understand:
other women.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by emmi e. SHORTYMODLE on 09-Aug-2005 | Set it freeIf you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But... if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Nolan B on 09-Aug-2005 | Men vs WomenRelationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots.' Then she will get on with her life. A mail has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3 am on a Sunday morning, he will call and say, 'I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.' This is known as the 'I Hate You, I Love You' drunken phone call and 99 percent of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Sex:
Women prefer 30 to 40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men do. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Bathrooms:
A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampetts' car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10itemsorless lane.
Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a van and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms.
Eating Out:
When the bill comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any, shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald boyfriend's/father's heads.
Menopause: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, biological Changes. Nature provokes a uniform reaction in men. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because lie reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Cell phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six big batteries to operate.
Locker Rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their arse, because arse size doesn't really matter.
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.
Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
Friends:
Women on a 'girls' night out' talk the whole time. Men on a 'boys' night out' say about 20 words all night, most of which are 'Pass the chips' or 'Got am more beer?'
Toilets:
Men use toilets for purely biological reasons. Women use toilets as social lounges. Men in toilets will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a toilet giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey Tom, I, was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Clarence Chicken on 09-Aug-2005 | 5 silly questionsThe five toughest questions women ask - and their answers:
1. `What are you thinking?'
2. `Do you love me?'
3. `Do I look fat?'
4. `Do you think she's prettier than me?'
5. `What would you do if I died?'
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1. `What are you thinking?'
The proper answer to this question, of course, is: 'I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.' Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - football.
b - baseball.
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married with Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. His answer: 'If I wanted you to know I'd be talking instead of thinking'
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2. 'Do you love me?'
The correct answer to this question is, 'Yes.'
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer. 'Yes dear.'
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by 'love'.
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3. 'Do I look fat?'
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state,
'No, of course not' and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4. 'Do you think she's prettier than me?'
The 'she' in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passerby you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw.
In any case, the correct response is: 'No, you are much prettier.'
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5. 'What would you do if I died?'
Correct answer: 'Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first truck that came my way.'
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
'Dear,' said the wife, `what would you do if I died?'
'why, dear, I would be extremely upset,' said the husband. 'Why do you ask such a question?'
'Would you remarry?' persevered the wife.
'No, of course not, dear,' said the husband.
'Don't you like being married?' said the wife.
'Of course I do, dear,' he said.
'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
'All right,' said the husband, 'I'd remarry.'
'You would?' said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
'Yes,' said the husband.
`Would you sleep with her in our bed?' said the wife after a long pause.
'Well yes, I suppose I would,' replied the husband.
'I see,' said the wife indignantly. 'And would you let her wear my old clothes?'
'I suppose, if she wanted to,' said the husband.
'Really,' said the wife icily. `And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?'
'Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.'
'Is that so?' said the wife, leaping to her feet. 'And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too.'
'Of course not, dear,' said the husband. 'She's left-handed.'
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by John Doe on 09-Aug-2005 | Cuckoo clockJust after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told the missus that I would be home by midnight. . . I promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 am, full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times.
Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times and was really proud of myself for having the quick-wittedness, even when pissed, to escape a possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her midnight.
Whew, got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said,
'Well, at 3 am this morning, it cuckooed three times, paused, said bollocks, Cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three minutes.'
'I think it's stuffed, don't you?'
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
