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():gender jokes (1878): 100 Reasons why its great to be a Guy |
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| Posted by matt D on 14-Aug-2005 | 100 Reasons why its great to be a Guy1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment".
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. You can be 34 and single, and nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other peoples' feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut or not.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too scuzzy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add desirability to your appearance.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million spermatozoa per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. Nobody looks at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers.
82. You can have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "f*#k it, just f*#k it!"
88. If another guy shows up at a party wearing the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. You never have to read the instruction manual.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your buddies can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different about me?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
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| Posted by Halley Ann on 14-Aug-2005 | Things Not to Say to a Naked Woman1 Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.
2 How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!?
3 You must be very experienced.
4 Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?
5 Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in.
6 I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it.
7 Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt.
8 Would you mind rolling around in this flour.
9 I heard carpenters dream about you.
10 So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
11 Look.. I can get my whole arm in.
12 It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
13 Is that an optical illusion?
14 If I look right at it I feel like I'm falling in.
15 Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
16 Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?
17 Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish?
18 I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
19 Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
20 I've been wondering all night what that smell was.
21 Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.
22 You know they have surgery to fix that.
23 Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
24 Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away
25 Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.
26 I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.
27 You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
28 You're not 'that' fat.
29 I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.
30 Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.
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():gender jokes (1878): Things Never to Say to a Man With a Small Penis |
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| Posted by Fran Williams on 14-Aug-2005 | Things Never to Say to a Man With a Small Penis1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
4. I'm sorry.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a nightcrawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won'tt take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does thiis run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat???
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Don't hold back.
71. Nevermind, why bother.
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| Posted by Mr Serty Bond on 14-Aug-2005 | Insults to MenQ - What do they call the useless skin around a penis?
A - A man.
Q - What's the best thing to come out of a man's cock?
A - The wrinkles
Q - Why do most men give a nickname of the penis?
A - They don't want a stranger making 95% of their decisions
Q - What do you call a man who has lost 85% of his intelligence?
A - A widower
Man - "You are awfully flat chested, but you've got a tight pussy."
Woman - "Get off my back."
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| Posted by Shannon Swiney on 14-Aug-2005 | Planning an OutSome things men can say when getting caught looking at another woman:
- I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)
- Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.
- I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)
- Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie - and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her
- I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case
- Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!
- Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.
- I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will camouflage your drool).
- I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).
- Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine)
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| Posted by jintro d. s on 14-Aug-2005 | Perfect GentlemanThe tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night.
"Well, we're a mite crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room," replied the farmer. "But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher."
"Look," said the tourist, "I want you to know I'm a gentleman."
"Well," mused the farmer, "as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher."
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