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():Body & Health (530): $100 Tattoo (in a painful area)


Posted by Samantha A. S on 13-Aug-2005

$100 Tattoo (in a painful area)

A man walks into a tattoo parlour, and asks the tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a hundred dollar bill on his penis. The tattoo artist, being a sensitive man, refuses, telling the man that it would be too painful to do that.

The man insists on having it done, so the tattoo artist tells him that if he can come up with three good reasons to have it done, he would do it.

The man tells him, " One, I like to play with my money. Two, I like to watch my money grow. And three, my wife will blow a hundred bucks everyday!"


   

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():Body & Health (530): Mattress Shopping


Posted by Kevin McGee on 13-Aug-2005

Mattress Shopping

A highly anal-retentive woman was shopping in a furniture store for a new mattress. As she bent over to examine the seventeenth mattress she had considered, she suddenly cut a horrendous fart.

"Excuse me," she said, embarrassed, to the clerk who was helping her.

"Hey, I'm used to it, lady," he said. "When you see the price on that one, you'll shit!"


   

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():Body & Health (530): 19th Century Euphemisms for Masturbation


Posted by snoop dogg on 13-Aug-2005

19th Century Euphemisms for Masturbation

16> Emptyin' the Saloon

15> Pocket Punch 'n' Judy

14> Signing your John Hancock

13> Dragging Thyself to Hell, One Hand's Breadth at a Time

12> Waving to Queen Victoria

11> Trying for a Scarlet "M"

10> Oiling the Pennywhistle

9> Assaulting the Tower of London

8> Cleaning the Musket

7> Quashing the Southern Uprising

6> Monitoring your Merrimac

5> Driving the Golden Spike

4> Delivering the Ejaculation Proclamation

3> Churning the Codpiece Butter

2> Square Dancing with Satan

1> Addressing Lord Palmer


   

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():Body & Health (530): The Bell Curve of Life


Posted by Ben T. Halbig on 13-Aug-2005

The Bell Curve of Life

At age 4....success is....not peeing in your pants.
At age 12...success is....having friends.
At age 16...success is....having a drivers license.
At age 20...success is....having sex.
At age 35...success is....having money.
At age 50...success is....having money.
At age 60...success is....having sex.
At age 70...success is....having a drivers license.
At age 75...success is....having friends.
At age 80...success is....not peeing in your pants.


   

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():Body & Health (530): Nasty Little Notes


Posted by frank a. magallanes on 13-Aug-2005
Nasty Little Notes
Q. Did you hear the one about the Polish woman giving blood?
A. She spent 3 hours wringing out her old tampons.

Q. Why did Arkansas have so many floods after the Clintons moved to Washington?
A. Cause Hillary took all the dikes with her


   

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():Body & Health (530): HOW TO TELL IF YOU WORK IN AN EMERGENCY ROOM


Posted by Leanne Babydoll on 13-Aug-2005
HOW TO TELL IF YOU WORK IN AN EMERGENCY ROOM
1. You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.

2. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

3. You believe that a good tape job will fix anything.

4. You have the bladder capacity of five people.

5. You can identify the "positive teeth to tattoo" ratio.

6. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.

7. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

8. You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.

9. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

10. You have your weekends off planned for a year.

11. When a pt. presents with a list of 30 allergies to meds you automatically think they are a drug seeker or a pt. of Dr. Solotkin.

12. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.

13. You encourage an obnoxious pt. to sign out AMA just so you don't have to deal with them anymore.

14. You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis.

15. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

16. You plan what you're going to prepare for dinner while performing gastric lavage.

17. You believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan.

18. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy it sure is quiet around here."

19. Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers.

20. You refer to Friday as "dump day".

21. You believe chocolate is a food group.

22. When someone calls you a bitch and you take it as a compliment.

23. When you are out in public you complement a complete stranger on their "Great Veins."

24. You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care facility"

25. You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.

26. You have ever referred to someone's death as a celestial transfer.

27. You ever answered a "lost condom" phone call.

28. When you refer to a pt. in respiratory distress as a "smurf."

29. Your idea of a really good time is dueling shock rooms.

30. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide... getting it right the first time."

31. You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.

32. You have ever had to leave a pt's room before you begin laughing uncontrollably.

33. You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls asking, "Is my Mother (father, etc.) there?

34. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab or ER.

35. You have ever issued a "dead head alert".

36. You have ever referred to the ER doc or triage nurse as a "Shit magnet".

37. Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.

38. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

39. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

40. The most commonly uttered phrase in triage is "What changed tonight that makes it an emergency after 6 months?"

41. You have heard the charge nurse muttering down the hall, "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?"

42. When you mention vegetables you're not referring to the food group.

43. You have used the words "healthcare reform" to strike fear in your co-worker's hearts.

44. You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a valium salt lick.

45. You play poker using ectopy on EKG strips.

46. You believe a "supreme being consult" is your pts only hope.

47. You want to order a "dumbshit profile".

48. You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you say, "No I don't worry about birth control... I've been irradiated."

49. You believe that your patient is demonically possessed.

50. Your patient states, "I have no idea how that got stuck in there."


   

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