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| Posted by Norske Swen on 09-Aug-2005 | 101 Things Not To Sa1.But everybody looks funny naked! 2.You woke me up for that? 3.Did I mention the video camera? 4.Do you smell something burning? 5.(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... 6.Try breathing through your nose. 7.A little rug burn never hurt anyone! 8.Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9.Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10.But whipped cream makes me break out. 11.Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. 12.Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! 13.Can you please pass me the remote control? 14.Do you accept Visa? 15.ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16.On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17.And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18.So much for mouth-to-mouth. 19.(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20.Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 21.(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 22.Do you get any premium movie channels? 23.Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 24.(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 25.Got any penicillin? 26.But I just brushed my teeth... 27.Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 28.I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29.I want a baby! 30.So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 31.(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 32.Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 33.Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 34.I think you have it on backwards. 35.When is this supposed to feel good? 36.Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 37.You're good enough to do this for a living! 38.Is that blood on the headboard? 39.Did I remember to take my pill? 40.Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41.I wish we got the Playboy channel... 42.That leak better be from the waterbed! 43.I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 44.But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. 45.Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 46.If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. 47.No, really... I do this part better myself! 48.It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 49.This would be more fun with a few more people. 50.You're almost as good as my ex! 51.Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 52.Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 53.You look younger than you feel. 54.Perhaps you're just out of practice. 55.You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 56.They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 57.Now I know why he/she dumped you... 58.Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? 59.You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 60.What tampon? 61.Have you ever considered liposuction? 62.And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 63.What are you planning to make for breakfast? 64.I have a confession... 65.I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 66.Are those real or am I just behind the times? 67.Were you by any chance repressed as a child? 68.Is that a hanging sculpture? 69.You'll still vote for me, won't you? 70.Did I mention my transsexual operation? 71.I really hate women who actually think sex means something! 72.Did you come yet, dear? 73.I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... 74.A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 75.Does this count as a date? 76.Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 77.Hic! I need another beer for this please. 78.I think biting is romantic -- don't you? 79.You can cook, too right? 80.When would you like to meet my parents? 81.Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? 82.Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''? 83.Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 84.Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. 85.(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 86.I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 87.Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. 88.Sorry but I don't do toes! 89.You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! 90.Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! 91.Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... 92.I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''. 93.So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! 94.My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 95.Is this a sin too? 96.I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 97.Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 98.Long kisses clog my sinuses... 99.Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 100.How long do you plan to be ''almost there''? 101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?
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| Posted by JAMIE E. LONGMAN on 09-Aug-2005 | Office PartyJohn, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn.
"You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said.
"Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply.
"And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did.??? You're back at work on Monday.
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| Posted by Lary on 09-Aug-2005 | Sex when you'reOn hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny.
"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.
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| Posted by ResdntEvilFreak on 09-Aug-2005 | Soft and wetWhat goes in hard and dry and comes out wet and soft? Chewing gum
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| Posted by Lily Glynn on 09-Aug-2005 | Adam and EveAdam and Eve
In the Garden of Eden, As everyone knows, Lives Adam and Eve, Without any clothes.
In this garden, Were two little leaves, One covered Adam's, One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on, Never the less to say, The wind came along, And blew the leaves away.
At the sight, Adam did stare, There was Eve's treasure, All covered with hair.
And wonder came, Under Eve's eyes, As Adam's thing, Started to rise.
They found a spot, That suited them best, A nice big tree, Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider, And wider apart, While thrill after thrill, Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing, Peeked into the hole, And filled her with passion, Beyond her control.
Backward and forward, His thing did slide, And Eve's treasure, Was all wet inside.
The joy was good, She wouldn't let loose, Until Adam's thing, Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years, People did screw, And now it is time, For me and you.
So pull down your pants, And lay in the grass, Cause I'm in the mood, For a piece of that ASS!
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| Posted by M-Pac on 09-Aug-2005 | Making Love to a WomMAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
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