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| Posted by Ashley M. Suydam on 09-Aug-2005 | 18 Things Not To Say18 things not to say to your pregnant wife.
1. I finished the Oreo's.
2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
3. Y'know, to look at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
4. I hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
5. Darned if you aren't five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard Simmons.
6. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
7. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
8. I'm so jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
9. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
10. Get your *own* ice cream.
11. Geez, you look awfully puffy today.
12. Got milk?
13. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Theresa?
14. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
15. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
16. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!
17. Well, can't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!
18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
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| Posted by Private Private on 09-Aug-2005 | Parenthood TestPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
2. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
3. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
4. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
5. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
6. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
7. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
8. Forget the Lexus and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!, Perfect!
9. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
10. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
11. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
12. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
13. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now, CONGRATULATIONS! ... you finally qualify as a parent.
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| Posted by Sam T. Brauer on 09-Aug-2005 | Who Wears the PantsJack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat......
He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on."
So, she did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them".
I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.
So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on."
So she does and says, "these are too large, they don't fit me."
Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."
So Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't change your smartass attitude, you never will."
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| Posted by Sam J. Wasserman on 09-Aug-2005 | Second OpinionA Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, "You aren't so good in bed either!" and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."
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| Posted by Sean on 09-Aug-2005 | The Lazy HusbandThe man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me?"
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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| Posted by Katie P. Kromwell on 09-Aug-2005 | Cheeky Taxi DriverLeaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.
Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, "I take the next turn, right?"
"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine."
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