|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Munem Alidina on 09-Aug-2005 | 2 toothpicks and...A barman is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the back door of his pub. When he answers, a dirty, scroungy-looking, homeless guy asks him for a toothpick.
The barman is a little surprised, but nonetheless he gives him the toothpick and the guy goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second homeless guy who also asks for a toothpick. He gets the toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door and a third homeless guy.
The landlord says, 'Don't tell me, let me guess. You want a toothpick too.'
'Actually no, thanks, but can I have a straw please?'
The landlord is kind of confused by this but, being a goodhearted man, gives him the straw. But before the guy takes off, curiosity gets the better of the barman, so he asks the guy. 'Hey, your friends wanted toothpicks. .. and you wanted a straw. What's going on?'
The man replies, 'Oh, some drunk girl threw up outside, but all the good stuff's already gone.'
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Renee Schwartz on 09-Aug-2005 | Mental healthA transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute.
`Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you area manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, as no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.'
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Shawn T. Pillow on 09-Aug-2005 | In the next toiletTen ways to annoy the person in the next toilet...
1. Grunt and strain really loudly for 30 seconds and then drop a rock melon into the bowl from a height of 2 m. Release a relaxed sigh.
2. Fill up a large flask with pumpkin soup. Squirt it erratically under the wall of your neighbor while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy big boy!'
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under your neighbor??™s wall. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'
5. Say, 'C'mon Mr Happy, don't fall asleep on me!'
6. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.
7. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'
8. Say, 'Hmm, I've never seen that color before.'
9. Say, 'Interesting... more floaters than sinkers.'
10. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh shit, my glass eye.'
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by dontrell on 09-Aug-2005 | Purchase problemsA little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.
The girl at the cash register said, 'I'm sorry, but we cannot sell cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.'
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog because old people sometimes eat dog food.
She went home and brought in her dog. She then bought the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, 'No, you might have a snake in there.'
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger in the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, 'That smells like shit.'
The little old lady said, 'It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?'
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by pure bollocks on 09-Aug-2005 | Gas problemPeter goes to the doctor and says, 'Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent.'
The doctor says, 'I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.'
The next week Peter goes back. 'Doctor,' he says, 'I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.'
'Good,' the doctor said. 'Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.'
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Mafia on 09-Aug-2005 | Crap EncyclopediaEvery once in a while each of us experiences a perfect crap. It's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is the smooth-sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver.
But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet paper only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
On the other hand (so to speak) there is:
The Beer Crap
Talk about nasty craps. Depending on the crapper's tolerance, the beer crap is the result of too many beers. It could have been two or 22, it doesn't matter.
What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy crap accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chilli Crap
Hot when it goes in and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chilli crap stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Crap
Long, curly and perfectly formed like two feet of telephone coaxial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, 'Did I do that? Where did it come from?' You leave the toilet pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Crap
In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it - where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to crap. Tip: don't ever look down the hole.
The Mona Lisa Crap
This is the masterpiece of craps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make Da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid camera, but maybe that's going too far.
The Empty Roll Crap
You're done... you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains... no, someone would say, 'Where are the curtains?' Then what would you say. The rug? Too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every 'empty roll crapper' must face... pull up your daks, tighten your arse and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
A mate about to run the London Marathon lined up outside the dozens of portaloos on Blackheath to unload a nervous one and discovered when the business was done and he was ready to run a world record race, there was no paper. Panic. The only thing available was a pound note - the last he possessed because they were being replaced by the coin - and he used that, being careful not to use the side with the Queen's head, of course!
The Splash Back Crap
You send the crap on its way; it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: blot instead of wipe.
The Aborted Crap
You are in mid-crap when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off; go for the phone and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do.
The Caesarean Crap
Pain, that's what this crap and childbirth have in common. It's simply a case of too much crap trying to go through too small a hole and there's no obstetrician to help.
The Alfresco Crap
Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambience that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
The Tijuana Trot Crap (also known as Delhi Belly, Rabat Runs, Seskatchewan Squits, Balsall Heath Balti Bypass)
The phrase 'shit happens' really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position.
The Machine Gun Crap
You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machinegun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran - cradling his umbrella like an AK47.
The Sound Effect Crap
You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or workmates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet.
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem.
3. Drop a handful of change on the floor.
The Security Crap
You have enough on your mind when you're in the toilet without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-crap mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.
The Cling-On Crap
For the most part you've completed your crap, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use the toilet. So you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
The Houdini Crap
You go, then you stand up to flush and the damn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe... maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
The Hangover Crap
You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again... up down, up down. Don't you wish Mum was close by.
The Porta-Pottie Dump
Construction workers and outdoor concertgoers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, 'It's like taking a shit in an upright coffin.' It's claustrophobic and it smells bad. Best advice: go in a paper cup.
The Proctologist Crap
In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump because there is nothing biblical about it. You run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The crap is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it?
The Whole Roll Crap
No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Crap
You flush the crap and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the crap to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curly-Q hangs there... love it or leave it, it's your choice.
The Encore Crap
'Ahhh!' You're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the toilet when you feel another crap on its way. You have to return for a curtain call.
The Born Again Crap
This is a dump that's going badly. You say, 'Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion.' You always get through it, but seldom keep the promises you made in desperation, because a born-again crap is like childbirth - you forget the pain quickly.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
