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| Posted by Mo Jo on 09-Aug-2005 | 3 old menThree old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, 'My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!'
The second old fogey one-upped him. 'My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!'
The third old man laughed and said, 'That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times.'
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| Posted by janet reisdorfer on 09-Aug-2005 | Stiff neckA man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?'
The old man slyly looked at him and said, 'Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea.'
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| Posted by Pik_a_Kitten on 09-Aug-2005 | Great viewA general store owner hires a young female assistant with a penchant for very short skirts.
One day, a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
'I'd like some raisin bread, please,' the man says politely.
The assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
As the assistant retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the assistant climb up and down.
After a few trips the assistant is tired and irritated.
She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing among the throng. 'Is yours raisin too?' The assistant yells testily.
'No,' croaks the old man, 'but it's starting to twitch.'
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| Posted by Ryan Johnson on 09-Aug-2005 | Life in reverseThe most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time and what do you get at the end of it?
A death.
What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backward.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...
and you finish off as an orgasm.
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| Posted by david m. stwert on 09-Aug-2005 | Cops in oldies homeAn old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.
He's stark naked and has an erection.
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
'oh no, not the breathalyzer again.'
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| Posted by Mike J. Bowers on 09-Aug-2005 | Lost old man
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75 to 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre sobbing his eyes out.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'I have a 22year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He said, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon.'
I asked again, 'So why are you crying?'
He continued, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight.'
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
He answered, 'I can't remember where I live.'
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