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4 things a woman needs

A woman needs only 4 things in life. A mink on her back. A Jaguar in her
garage. A tiger in her bed. And a jackass to pay for it all.

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	():gender jokes (1878): Men

Posted by Dude Man on 14-Aug-2005

Men

Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love her."
"But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies: "So she would love you."

God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough
draft before creating a masterpiece.

Diamonds are a girl's best friends.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?

Single women complain that all good men are married, while all
Married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms
that there is no such thing as a good man.

Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the
male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology
HIMmorrhoids

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need
dough.

Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.

What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5
minutes.

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months
or 10,000 miles, whichever came first.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second
date?
Slow.

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

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	():gender jokes (1878): Beer Turn Men into Women

Posted by quack quack on 14-Aug-2005

Beer Turn Men into Women

Don't Drink Beer !!

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female
hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and
observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without
making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive, failed to think
rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

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	():gender jokes (1878): Mistakes Men Make While Having Sex With Women

Posted by Mallory on 14-Aug-2005

Mistakes Men Make While Having Sex With Women

1. NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones
makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get
your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper
passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well,
there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if
you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday
cake. That hurts.

3. NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin
which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs.
When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion,
it's avoidance.

4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when
they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5. BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like
they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are
highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck
them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good.
Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between
finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a
hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation
points.

7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville
East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of
her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing
straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some
attention.

8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in
tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that
aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you
store it.

10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your
fingers along side of the clitoris.

11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you
stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell
she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked
at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like
an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy.
Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back
and forth is not.

14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still
believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your
hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up
a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful,
it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more
attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at
first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes
it.

15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get
her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees
are not.

16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made
some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just
undoing a couple of buttons.

17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks
first.

18. GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing
you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll
soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your
technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular
thrusts.

19. GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or
stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
concentrated into a few seconds.

20. COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the
whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure
her pleasure too.

21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing
is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark
of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so
she has something to hold her interest while you're playing
Marathon Man.

22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But
if you really don't know, don't ask.

23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
It's good to start out slow and gentle, but move on from that.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole
mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking
your tongue on her clitoris.

24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping
that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate
this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by
their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try
talking seductively to her.

25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody
likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you
come so she can do what's necessary.

26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just
lie there. And don't grab her head.

27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over
them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she
does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she
doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And
let her have a rest.

29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And
don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30. TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the
words to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of
them.

31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to
pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice
and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent
dye are a no no.

32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching
contest.

33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's
a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you
want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because
they have a prostate. Women don't.

35. GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of
the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear
turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's
not a big turn-on.

37. TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900
line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it
right, and she might even do the same for you.

39. SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit
too heavily, she will turn blue.

40. NEVER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not
a soup kitchen.

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	():gender jokes (1878): The difference between men and women

Posted by aaaaa a. aaaaaaaaa on 14-Aug-2005

The difference between men and women

The difference between men and women in one paragraph:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down
the same road in the opposite direction. As they pass each other the woman
leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his
window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way and as the
man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the
road.

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