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| Posted by nick eckhardt on 14-Aug-2005 | $40A guy was in a bar drinking lightly after work. When he saw the
time, he said "Whoa, I gotta get home or my wife will kill me!"
His friend goes, "Listen, drink more and don't worry about it."
So he did. Then, the guy got soooooo drunk that he puked up
onto himself. "Oh man, my wifes gonna murder me." he slurred.
"Don't worry" his friend said "here is a $20 note, ok. Tell ya
wife this...."
Later that night, the man got home.
"Who do you think you are coming home drunk to me with vomit over
your shirt. You bastard! You're a discrace of a husband" The
wife cried. "No sweetie" Mr Drunk began, "I stayed late at the
office and on the way home some druck chucked on me. He gave me
$20 as an apology. The wife stared at her husband. "Why is
there $40 in your pocket then?" The husband stared at the floor
and said, "Oh, um, um, um, he shit in my pants as well!"
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| Posted by Jeff L. Aho on 14-Aug-2005 | Man & WifeThere is a husband and a wife the wife looks at the husband and
says today i saw this creme when you put it on your boobs they
make them bigger , the man was pleased when he heard the news so
he asked his wife how much for a bottle of it and she said $250
an ounce , the man with an angered face looks at his wife and
says that is way too much why dont you just use the same stuff
you use on your ASS
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| Posted by Eddi J. Mur on 14-Aug-2005 | Son asks his mother...This is actually true!
There was a little boy and his mom was pregnant. The mom kept
getting fatter and fatter until finally the little boy asked
what was wrong with her belly. She sat the little boy down and
asked him if he remembered that they were having a baby? He said
yes. She explained that the baby was inside of her and thats
why she was growing bigger. The boy, looking confused, waits
for a second and as his mom is about to leave the room, he calls
her back. "Mom", he asks, "You have a baby in your belly, thats
why its getting bigger... so do you have a baby in your butt
too?"
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| Posted by G H on 14-Aug-2005 | FliesI stopped at a friends shop the other day and found him stalking
around with a flyswat. When i asked if he was getting any flies,
he answered:'Yeah, three males and two females.'
Curious, i asked him how he could tell the difference.
He replied:'Three were on the beer can and two were on the
phone'.
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| Posted by maddog on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 5 Bar Jokes1. A woman walks into a bar with her well-groomed poodle. She
yells, "this place is a pigstye." The bartender comes up to her
and say,"How can you bring that creature in here? The woman
exclaims, "I'll have you know that this is a prize winning
poodle. The guy says, "I wasn't talkin to you, lady."
2. A guy came into a bar one night and ordered two beers. He
drinks the first one and poors the second one over his hand. He
does this three times. He orders a beer. He drinks one and poors
the other one over his hand. The bartender asks him, "You're
payin for the beers so I don't care but im just wonderin, what
are you doing?" The guy says, "I'm gettin my date drunk."
3. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and says, "I'll have the
Salmon Salad. The bartender says, "We dont serve food here."
4. This guy tells his friend about a bar where if you drink two
beers, you get laid. The guy says, "Great, lets go!" They both
go and have two beers. Nothing happens. They do it agin. Still
Nothing. The guy says, "I thought you said we would get laid."
"I don't know, that's what my sister told me."
5. A guy is playin a piano in a bar and he has a monkey on the
piano. The monkey drinks a few beers and starts dancing around
the bar. He pees in some guy's beer. He walks over to the piano
player and says, "Do you know your monkey just pissed in my
drink?" "No, but if you hum a few bars maybe i'll catch on."
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| Posted by Scott D. Willson on 14-Aug-2005 | Are Ladies too Materialistic?A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office, ready
to show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck
passed too close and completely tore off the door on the
driver's side. The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone,
dialed 911, and within minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before
the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started
screaming hysterically. Her Lexus which she had just picked up
the day before was now completely destroyed and would never be
the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the
woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the
officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't
believe how materialistic you women are," he said. "You are so
focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything
else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the woman. The
cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from
the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit
you."
"My God!!" screamed the woman. "Where's my tennis bracelet?!"
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