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| Posted by David Zielinski on 14-Aug-2005 | 5 things a guy would never say1.)Hey would you like to send the day at the outlet mall?
2.)Oh My God!!! you got your nails done
3.)Oh no I don't want to go to the football game. Let's stay
home and cuddle.
4.)I don't think you have enough shoes.
5.)I think I should get my cuticles done.
6.)Here you can have the remote.
7.)Carson Daily is SO deep.
8.)Sunday night football? I'd much rather watch Ally!!
9.)Doesn't that shirt look so good on Eric!
10.)It's ok with me if you date more then one guy!!!
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| Posted by Beck Rose on 14-Aug-2005 | Buying CondomsAn man walks up to a clerk at a pharmacy and asks to buy some
condoms. The clerk asks, "What size do you wear?" The man
replies, "I don't know." The clerk unzips his pants and takes a
feel. She then picks up the intercom and says, "Large condoms to
aisle 4 please." The man zips up his pants and leaves.
Later another man walks up to the clerk and asks to buy some
condoms. He doesn't know his size either. The clerk unzips his
pants and takes a feel. She then picks up the intercom and says,
"Medium condoms to aisle 4 please." The man zips up his pants
and leaves.
A while later a teen comes in, shaking nervously. "Let me
guess," says the clerk, "condoms?" "Yes", he replies, "but I
don't know my size." She checks, picks up the intercom, "Clean
up aisle 4!"
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| Posted by Lindsay Drue Whitley on 09-Aug-2005 | Daddys homeSaturday morning and Bob's just about to tee off for a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming round at noon.
So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
'Hello,' says a little girl's voice.
'Hi, honey, it's Daddy,' says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'
After a brief pause, Bob says,
'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey.'
'Yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy.'
'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house.'
'Okay, Daddy.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
`Well I did what you said, Daddy.'
'And what happened?'
'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran round and round screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now I think she's all dead.'
'Oh my God... and what about Uncle Frank?'
'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.'
There is a long pause, then Bob says,
'Swimming pool. . . what swimming pool? Is this 555-*** ....?'
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| Posted by Tom Dunlap on 09-Aug-2005 | PINK AND WRINKLYa 70YEAR OLD MAN NAMED HENRY WAS ABOUT TO MARRY A 23 YEAR OLD GIRL NAMED ETHAL. ETHAL ASKED HENRY TO WASH HER RED NIGHTGOWN SO SHE COULD HAVE IT FOR THE HONEYMOONSO HE DID. AFTER HE WASHED IT HE PUT IN THE DRYER AND STARTED TO TAKE A BATH.ETHAL KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND ASKED TO ENTER SO SHE COULD GET THE CLOTHES FROM THE DRYER TO PACK FOR THE HONEYMOON.HENRY SAID YES IF YOU DONT PEEK AT ME.ETHAL OPENED THE DRYER PULLED OUT HER NIGHT GOWN AND SAID OH HENRY IT IS ALL PINK AND WRINKLY AND HENRY SAID DAMN IT ETHAL I TOLD YOU NOT TO PEEK!
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| Posted by Charlie W. Schwartz on 14-Aug-2005 | KissesAn engineering student is walking on campus one day when another
engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get
such a rockin' bike?" asked the first. The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw
the motorcycle to the ground, took off all her clothes and said
'Take what you want.' " The second engineer nodded approvingly.
"Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl
asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much
does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking
male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten
yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his
face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth,
then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and
pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will
pay the bill," she smiled.
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| Posted by Sam T. Brauer on 14-Aug-2005 | The Search for the Perfect WomanAn extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given
responsibility to find the perfect woman, marry her, and raise a
family. With that as his mission he began searching for the
perfect woman.
After a diligent but fruitless search up and down the east
coast, he decided to head west. Soon he came across a farmer who
had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his
breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking
for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married,
so you've come to the right place. Look over them and decide
which one you wanna marry."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked
for the man's opinion. "Well, she's just a weeeeee bit, not that
you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
So the man dated the second daughter. The next day the farmer
asked for the man's opinion. "Well, she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice, cross-eyed."
So then the man dated the third daughter. The next morning the
man rushed in, exclaiming, "She's perfect! She's perfect! She's
the one I want to marry!" So they were immediately wed.
Nine months later the baby was born. When the man visited the
nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the most hideous,
ugliest, most pathetic baby you could imagine. He rushed to his
father-in-law, asking how such a thing could happen, considering
his parents were perfect.
"Well," replied the farmer, "she was just a weeeeeeee bit, not
that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
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