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| Posted by Melissa Pena on 13-Aug-2005 | $50 for a NightOne evening after attending the theater two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a well-dressed, attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said, "I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night with that woman."
To their surprise, the woman turned and said, "I'll take you up on that."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend good-night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed. The following morning the man presented her with 25 dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating, "If you don't give me the other 25 I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
The next day he was surprised when he was served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant.... He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your Honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25. The rent is not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask judgment to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case had been presented. His defense was therefore somewhat altered from what he had planned.... This is what he said:
"Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property, for a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones; sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labor being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask that the judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer's comeback was like this....
"Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and he did make improvements such as described by my opponent, however, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would have never have rented the property; also, on evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgment be granted."
She got it....
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():sex jokes (1888): The Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia |
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| Posted by nanny-goat on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia14. Driving Miss Pushing Up Daisies
13. Some Like It Cold
12. Peggy Sue Got Buried
11. People to Do in Denver Who are Dead
10. Sex, Flies and Videotape
9. Lifeless in Seattle
8. The Right Stiff
7. Dr. Jekyll and Miss Formaldehyde
6. How Stella Got Her Grave Back
5. Four Beddings at a Funeral
4. The Corpse Whisperer
3. CASketball
2. Waiting to Exhume
1. Blue Vulva
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():sex jokes (1888): Thirty things porno producers would have us believe... |
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| Posted by Eliza M. Lenz on 13-Aug-2005 | Thirty things porno producers would have us believe...1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 secs is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly,middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a women off a speeding fine.
10. All women are noisy fucks.
11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan 'OH YEAH!' when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they 'high five' each other.(and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to 'suck it'.
26. Ass holes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blow job, a man must always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
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():sex jokes (1888): The Top 16 Chapters in "Sex for Dummies" |
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| Posted by Holly Griman on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Chapters in "Sex for Dummies"16> Evolution 101: Why Dummies Might Actually Make Poor Sex Partners
15> Troubleshooting for Do-It-Yourselfers (NOTE: Memorize this chapter *before* you go blind.)
14> Oh, God! Yes!! Oh, God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary Position
13> Starting Out: Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?
12> Engineering Secrets of the Bra: Removal in 14 Simple Steps
11> The Face: How to Tell Your Lover Apart from All Those Other People
10> Chapter 4: No, You Don't *Actually* Blow
9> Stop Masturbating, She's Real!
8> You're Britney, I'm Strom: Introduction to Role Playing
7> Foreplay: Not Just for Her Birthday, Chester
6> Putting a Condom on a Banana is Just for *Practice*, Dumbass
5> Crouching Doggie and Hidden Missionary: A Guide to Sexual Positions
4> "Alternate" Lifestyles: Pokeman?
3> Hey! Watch Those Teeth, Vampira!!
2> Sexual Physics: The Round Peg/Round Hole Theory
1> Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburglar
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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():sex jokes (1888): The Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate |
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| Posted by Father Ted on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate15> You get an angry phone call at 2 A.M. describing your barking dog as "a real turn-off."
14> Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.
13> Your wife forbids you to do yard work.
12> Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.
11> Your son: "C'mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!"
You: "Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are."
10> The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.
9> Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.
8> There's always a traffic jam on your street when she's mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.
7> You've spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are -- or if she even *has* any.
6> Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she'll "bring the buns."
5> After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle.
4> There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.
3> You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you'd like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.
2> Her occupation is listed clearly as "Playboy Playmate" on the restraining order she just took out against you.
1> Your local Domino's new guarantee: "Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by laurnybug on 13-Aug-2005 | Paying for CollegeTwo high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.
He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but, even more, so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I'm getting pretty desperate!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
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