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| Posted by rubberducky2001 on 14-Aug-2005 | 50th AnniversaryA husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the
wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee
she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says,
"Honey, Do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee
the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, 'Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm
going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!'"
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said.
So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night.
What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, "Mission
Accomplished."
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| Posted by Kyle Eades on 14-Aug-2005 | Dog BitesMr. Harris had a new secretary who was such a pretty young thing
and so eager to please that he decided to "work late" and to
take her to dinner tonight. So he called up his wife to tell her
he would be late and she replied, "No problem."
So Mr. Harris treated his secretary to dinner at a fancy
restaurant where they had one drink too many. After dinner with
her, it was obvious that Mr. Harris would get lucky tonight when
the girl asked him to take her home. When they got to the
secretary's home, they did the wild thing for over two hours.
When it was over, Mr. Harris went to the bathroom to freshen up
and get ready to go home. Looking into the mirror, he noticed
that he had a huge hickey on his neck. He had no idea what he
was going to tell his wife and fell into a state of panic. But
he had no choice but to go home and face the music as it was
getting quite late.
Putting his key into the lock, he heard his dog come barking and
scratching at the door. He thought, "Aha! I got an idea." He
entered the house, fell on the carpet and pretended to fight off
the affectionate dog.
Holding his neck in one hand, he walked into the bedroom and
exclaimed, "Honey! Look what the dog did to my neck!"
Mrs. Harris looked up, ripped open her bathrobe and said,
"That's nothing. Look what he did to my tits!"
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| Posted by banana babe on 14-Aug-2005 | Senior TravelA senior couple pulls up to a gas station:
Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.
Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to
see the Grand kids.
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He said its good weather.
Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.
Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and
was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: He says he knows you.
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| Posted by Mandi M. Topper on 14-Aug-2005 | Firm UpOne morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed
this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the
edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with
silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get
rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in
place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid
of your brother!"
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| Posted by lil dude on 14-Aug-2005 | The New Newlywed GameThis couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town
and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going Coochy Cooh...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens
the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of
beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland,
Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
can think of saying is, "Yes, Honey Pie...but the bar you
know...the frozen glass..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass Puppy Face?" She takes a
mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills
holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but
at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise.
OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and
takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,
pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the
dirty words and all that."
"You want dirty words Cutie Pie? HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER
IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE
YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"
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| Posted by deeze nutz on 14-Aug-2005 | Cigarettes and BowlingA man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes
into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees
a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple
of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her
apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and
says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you
got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which
he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty
pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you
asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the
vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had
a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed
with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn
liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
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