52 WORST PICKUP LINES...

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge
to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to
you.

8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and
going....

9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be
coming too.

10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me
right, and I'll do it your way right away.

11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me
to it.

12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to
"tinker" around with.

13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb - diggity.

14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,
have you seen one?

17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you
all day long for a quarter.

18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night
long.

19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the
afternoon.

20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

21. If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.

22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?" Girl: "I don't care for this song and
surely wouldn't dance with you."

Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in
those pants"

23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.

24. I look good on you.

25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I
visit you between the Holidays?

27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's
one more going to hurt?

28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.

31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light
switch away.

32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.

33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?

35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard,
and serve hot.

37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all
day long.

38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home
without me.

40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the
girl of my dreams.

41. The word for the night is legs, let's go back to my room and spread the
word.

42. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous
curves ahead, yield?

43. Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all
night long.

44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into
this cheap motel room.

45. Was you dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choochoo.

47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room
for your tongue.

49. Guy: "haven't I seen you someplace before?"

Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"

50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of
your mouth.

51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

52. Guy: Want to go get a pizza and a fuck?

Girl: No!

Guy: What, you don't like pizza?

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if...

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced
pain and bought jewelry.

3. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he
watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can
help his
team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living
room, and
if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they
call him.

4. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

5. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being
the first
is upsetting to their psyches.

6. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow,
instead of
a gun.

7. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have
jobs
and bathe.

8. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven
words
strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.

9. Men are sensitive in strange ways If a man has built a fire and the last
log does
not burn, he will take it personally.

10. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits Women have two types:
depressing and more depressing; Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

11. Men have higher body temperatures than women If your heating goes out in
winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable
heaters that
snore.

12. Women take clothing much more seriously than men I've never seen a man
walk
into a party and say "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of
here.
There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

13. Most men hate to shop That's why the men's department is usually on the
first
floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

14. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more
types of
lettuce, he is serious.

15. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr Right," if he a) got
older, b) got
new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.
The cocoon-
to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

16. No man is charming all of the time Even Cary Grant is on record saying he
wished he could be Cary Grant.

17. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

18. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

19. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE
WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

20. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and
creatively
fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my
car?"

21. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget.. he
didn't lose your
number.. he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

22. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, "Are we
going
to have sex again?" He said, "Maybe.. next year."

23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem: "Get
out" and "I
never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge If you want to
get rid
of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want
to have
your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes.
Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause With female
menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you
get to
flirt with young girls and drive motorcycles.

26. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need
instant replays in sports They've already forgotten what happened.

The gift...

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
note; romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to
Nordstom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased
a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister
got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking
the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his
sweetheart with the following note:

"I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing

any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short
ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady
I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past
three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me
and
she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the
first
time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have
a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in
them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from

wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing."

TOP TEN REASONS OREOS ARE BETTER THAN MEN...

10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.

9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.

8. They are always good.

7. They go away when you want them too.

6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.

5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.

4. It's always fun to swallow.

3. They never talk.

2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.

1. The creamy white stuff tastes good.

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would...

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to
"I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle,
you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked
for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of
your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable
excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out
your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your
car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets,
and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be
with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to
go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would
remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

COPS would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing cops.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event
in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat
the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as
long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded
with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"

You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."

Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of...

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and
you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing
all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy,
wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.

B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.

C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life
do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.

B. Idealism.

C. Cherry bombs

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)

C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.

B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.

C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a
homerun to win the World Series, you may hug him, provided that:

(1) He is legally within the base path,

(2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and

(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard
enough to cause fractures.

5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.

B. A dog.

C. A dog that eats cats.

6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One
leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy
-you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers-when
she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she
really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not
knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking
whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you
have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
you don't want to rush it.

B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false
hope.

C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.

7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair
and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

C. Tell her what?

8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

B. "They're in school already?"

C. "There are three of them?"

9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs

B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.

C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not
naming names, but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems
to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.

B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally
got there.

C. He refused to ask for directions.

11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.

B. Religion.

C. Remote control.