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():love jokes (2491): 55 Ways to Get Rid of a Bad Date |
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| Posted by i want pie on 14-Aug-2005 | 55 Ways to Get Rid of a Bad Date1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as
to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the
waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the
restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their
reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Bring your middle school yearbook. Point out every signle
person, and give a life history of each.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know
what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your
arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well
in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are
female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date
begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live
food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from
their plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and
spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being
placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of
the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds
you, ask him/her "What took you so long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to
you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their
plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep
bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the
windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and
where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and
pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything
on the table that isn't bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings
your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the
waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns
with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the
plate. Repeat later in the meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on
tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words
around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber
language, or just nonsense).
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to
the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of
the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the
menu. Take one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up
and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're
taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because
it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order
coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage
of the free refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In
a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the
plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to
pay the bill.
53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
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| Posted by antz on 14-Aug-2005 | Husband Is Out to GolfOne Day Albert wanted to go golfing. Albert got out of bed early
trying not to wake his wife. He got dressed and sneaked out of
the house. He got to the golf course and wanted a cup of coffee
before hitting the course. So he went into the club house for a
cup of coffee.
Once finished he started out the door and he noticed it was too
foggy to golf. So he got back into his truck, real upset, but
headed back home.
Albert was real slow on sneaking back in, took off his clothes
and went back in bed snuggling back to his wife carefully and
saying it's terrible weather out there. The wife said, "Ya, and
to think my stupid husband went golfing in it!"
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():love jokes (2491): Torture Your Roommate During Holidays |
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| Posted by Sexy Guy on 14-Aug-2005 | Torture Your Roommate During Holidays1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he
tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash
on the floor.
2.Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap.
Refuse to get off.
3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth
chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming
to town..."
5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or
leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal
and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very
naughty this year."
7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain
about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. "You know, I
saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last
night.")
9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front
teeth..."
11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of
Christmas song.
12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its
head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't
work!"
13. Whip your roommate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now
Donner, and Blitzen, etc."
14. Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling
"Bah Humbug!"
15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future,
please have mercy on my soul!"
16. Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a
house on 34th Street.
17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.
18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best
parts first.
19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate's
friends "give it a yank."
20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings
an angel gets his wings."
21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole
Christmas" over and over in your underwear.
22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.
23. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up
sing, "he sees you when you're sleeping..."
24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room.
When your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay
here, there's no room at the inn."
25.When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her
possessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.
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| Posted by T.J on 14-Aug-2005 | Poisonous MushroomsA wife's was at her 5th late husband's grave. She was crying,
but she got over her despair when a man came over to her.
"What's happened?" He said. "My 5th husband died just 2 days
ago." She said. "Oh, I'm quite sorry. How'd your 1st husband
die?" He said. "Poisonous mushrooms." She replied.
After replying for a minute with the same answer. "So how did
this husband die?" He said, in a bored voice, after hearing
"Poisonous mushrooms" as an answer for the last 4 questions.
"Fractured skull" She said. "Oh my gosh! How?" He said. "He
wouldn't eat my poisonous mushrooms."
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():love jokes (2491): Old Couple Arrived in Heaven |
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| Posted by Griffon McGorden on 14-Aug-2005 | Old Couple Arrived in HeavenAn eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years,
died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten
years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and
exercise.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their
mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a
master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and
aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to
cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course
that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges
every day, and each week the course would change to new one that
represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man
asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is
heaven; you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch
with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?"
asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it
is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are
the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked
timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as
much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and
you never get sick. This is heaven."
With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and
shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down,
asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and
said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted
bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
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| Posted by calahsman on 14-Aug-2005 | One True WishA couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come
upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and
throws in a quarter. Her husband decides he wants to make a wish
also. Unfortunately he leans over too far, falls down into the
well and drowns. The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and
then exclaims, "Holy cow, it works!"
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