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| Posted by Chellie j. tyler on 09-Aug-2005 | 60 Things Not to Say1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where's the rest of it?
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| Posted by Norske Swen on 09-Aug-2005 | 101 Things Not To Sa1.But everybody looks funny naked! 2.You woke me up for that? 3.Did I mention the video camera? 4.Do you smell something burning? 5.(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... 6.Try breathing through your nose. 7.A little rug burn never hurt anyone! 8.Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9.Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10.But whipped cream makes me break out. 11.Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. 12.Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! 13.Can you please pass me the remote control? 14.Do you accept Visa? 15.ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16.On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17.And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18.So much for mouth-to-mouth. 19.(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20.Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 21.(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 22.Do you get any premium movie channels? 23.Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 24.(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 25.Got any penicillin? 26.But I just brushed my teeth... 27.Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 28.I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29.I want a baby! 30.So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 31.(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 32.Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 33.Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 34.I think you have it on backwards. 35.When is this supposed to feel good? 36.Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 37.You're good enough to do this for a living! 38.Is that blood on the headboard? 39.Did I remember to take my pill? 40.Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41.I wish we got the Playboy channel... 42.That leak better be from the waterbed! 43.I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 44.But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. 45.Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 46.If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. 47.No, really... I do this part better myself! 48.It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 49.This would be more fun with a few more people. 50.You're almost as good as my ex! 51.Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 52.Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 53.You look younger than you feel. 54.Perhaps you're just out of practice. 55.You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 56.They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 57.Now I know why he/she dumped you... 58.Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? 59.You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 60.What tampon? 61.Have you ever considered liposuction? 62.And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 63.What are you planning to make for breakfast? 64.I have a confession... 65.I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 66.Are those real or am I just behind the times? 67.Were you by any chance repressed as a child? 68.Is that a hanging sculpture? 69.You'll still vote for me, won't you? 70.Did I mention my transsexual operation? 71.I really hate women who actually think sex means something! 72.Did you come yet, dear? 73.I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... 74.A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 75.Does this count as a date? 76.Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 77.Hic! I need another beer for this please. 78.I think biting is romantic -- don't you? 79.You can cook, too right? 80.When would you like to meet my parents? 81.Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? 82.Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''? 83.Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 84.Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. 85.(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 86.I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 87.Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. 88.Sorry but I don't do toes! 89.You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! 90.Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! 91.Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... 92.I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''. 93.So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! 94.My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 95.Is this a sin too? 96.I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 97.Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 98.Long kisses clog my sinuses... 99.Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 100.How long do you plan to be ''almost there''? 101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?
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| Posted by JAMIE E. LONGMAN on 09-Aug-2005 | Office PartyJohn, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn.
"You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said.
"Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply.
"And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did.??? You're back at work on Monday.
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| Posted by Lary on 09-Aug-2005 | Sex when you'reOn hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny.
"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.
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| Posted by ResdntEvilFreak on 09-Aug-2005 | Soft and wetWhat goes in hard and dry and comes out wet and soft? Chewing gum
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| Posted by Lily Glynn on 09-Aug-2005 | Adam and EveAdam and Eve
In the Garden of Eden, As everyone knows, Lives Adam and Eve, Without any clothes.
In this garden, Were two little leaves, One covered Adam's, One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on, Never the less to say, The wind came along, And blew the leaves away.
At the sight, Adam did stare, There was Eve's treasure, All covered with hair.
And wonder came, Under Eve's eyes, As Adam's thing, Started to rise.
They found a spot, That suited them best, A nice big tree, Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider, And wider apart, While thrill after thrill, Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing, Peeked into the hole, And filled her with passion, Beyond her control.
Backward and forward, His thing did slide, And Eve's treasure, Was all wet inside.
The joy was good, She wouldn't let loose, Until Adam's thing, Was all out of juice.
Then down through the years, People did screw, And now it is time, For me and you.
So pull down your pants, And lay in the grass, Cause I'm in the mood, For a piece of that ASS!
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