8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses...

8:45   Wake up to hugs and kisses

9:00   5 pounds lighter on the scale

9:30   Light breakfast

11:00  Sunbathe

12:30  Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45   Shopping

2:30   Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - who has gained 30 lbs.

3:00   Facial, massage, nap

7:30   Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

10:00  Make love

11:30  Pillow talk in his big strong arms

A Woman's Random Thoughts...

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when
they say things like, "You know sometimes I
forget to eat, now I've forgotten my address, my
mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've
never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special
kind of stupid to forget to eat."

They say you shouldn't say anything about
the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with
her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but
she doesn't give a shit.

They keep telling us to get in touch with
our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative
but I heard from it the other day after I said,
"Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class
in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body
said, "Listen bitch ... do it and you die."

The trouble with some women is that they get
all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

Gay, straight ... they all want blow jobs.

I read this article that said the typical
symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking
too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret
is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their shit.

"If men can run the world, why can't they
stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to
start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

The Creation of a Pussy...

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.

This guy was walking on the beach. As he...

Q. How is a woman like a condom?...

A. Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q. What is the similarity between a woman...

A. By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs,
all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.