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| Posted by Cowardly Lion on 14-Aug-2005 | 9 break up messages1. You had an annoying habit of being around me
2. We're sorry, the relationship you are trying to reach has
been disconnected
3. Take the L out of LOVER and it's OVER!
4. I need to pursue my dream of meeting someone fun!
5. When I look at the world, I see what I'm missing!
6. Hum....Do you have a brother?
7. ooohh, you were wanting a relationship, how cute!
8. Me - you = happy
9. JUST FUCK OFF
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| Posted by Tiger Fly on 14-Aug-2005 | Loose PussyThree ladies walk into a bar, each sits on a stool. All start
chattering, you know girl talk. Then, one says, "my pussy's so
loose my boyfriend can stick his fist up it." The second says,
"my pussy's so loose, my boyfriend can stick both of his fist in
mine." The third lady laughs and slides down the bar stool.
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| Posted by Lotto on 14-Aug-2005 | Pick up linesMan: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter.
(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized !
Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!
Man: I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.
Woman: You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
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():love jokes (2491): The 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask |
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| Posted by kyle on 14-Aug-2005 | The 5 Toughest Questions Women AskThe 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if
the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question,
of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am
to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what
the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely
one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was
asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said,
"I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many
wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is,
"Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you
may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question
is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and
then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the
question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were
starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or
an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct
response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love,
in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have
meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front
tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This
might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by
the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why
do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long
pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear
my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the
pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."
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():love jokes (2491): Flattery Will Get You Nowhere |
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| Posted by Moya R. Hodek on 14-Aug-2005 | Flattery Will Get You NowhereOn the way home from a party, the woman said to her husband,
"Have I ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to
women you are?"
"Why no," the flattered husband said.
"Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?" she yelled.
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():love jokes (2491): Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses |
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| Posted by Gone T. Postal on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses16. Ow ... I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey...Who are you?
15. I'm sorry, but there just isn't room in my life right now
for you and my vibrator.
14. I've got this disease... It's called herpigonosyphalaids.
very contagious.
13. You're too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We're the same
age? Well, that doesn't work for me either.
12. We're just so different you and I. You're an extrovert, I'm
an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of
course *I'm* not a physically repulsive psychopath.
11. You've gone from "sponge-worthy" to merely "spongy".
10. Dear Christine: By the time you read this, I will be a woman.
9. I have early-onset onanism.
8. You're no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately
lonely man I fell in love with.
7. My penis,uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it... yeah...on the
subway I think.
6. "Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don't even know who you are
anymore.
5. My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in
order to train them to attack your picture.
4. It's not you, it's me. Specifically, me would like to sleep
with your sister.
3. I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the
place mat, you're a snake and I'm a mongoose.
2. We just don't have anything in common anymore -- you're a
morning person, and I want to see you're severed head impaled
on a steel railroad spike.
1. I'm holding you back from all the other lives you could be
ruining.
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