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():Body & Health (530): 9 reasons why cucumbers are better than men |
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| Posted by Matt Freeman on 14-Aug-2005 | 9 reasons why cucumbers are better than men1. Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you wont have to sleep
in the wet spot.
2. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
3. A cucumber wont care what time of the month it is.
4. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
5. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying till we have a boy."
6. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
7. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
8. Cucumbers don't drool on your pillow.
9. And finally.....With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the
way you left it.
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| Posted by Jameelah S. Bullock on 14-Aug-2005 | Ways to Know if You Have PMSEveryone around you has an attitude problem.
You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker
that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-***-****."
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
You're counting down the days until menopause.
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
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| Posted by Pat Mcgroyne on 14-Aug-2005 | Useless ThingsDid you know that a man is made up of many useless things?
He has
an Adam's Apple that isn't an apple...
Two Calves that will never become cows...
A Nose Bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
A Roof of the Mouth that won't cover anything...
Twenty Nails that won't hold a board...
A Chest that won't hold linen...
Two Tits that won't give milk...
Two Buns that won't feed anyone...
A Belly button that won't button...
Two Balls that won't roll...
An Ass that won't pull a plow...
An Organ that won't play music...
A Cock that won't crow...
And what are YOU laughing about?
You've got a PUSSY that won't catch mice?
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| Posted by Tomy on 14-Aug-2005 | Eye ContactQ. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Because breasts don't have eyes.
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| Posted by flameb0y on 14-Aug-2005 | Guys you'll find in the restroomWe've all come across some of these guys before. Unless you're a
girl, that is. Want to know the generic name for that odd guy
you saw 3 urinals down? Look no further.
1. Excitable: Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips
shorts.
2. Sociable: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3. Cross-eyed: Looks into the next urinal to see how the other
guy is fixed.
4. Timid: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal,
comes back later.
5. Indifferent: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6. Clever: No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on
floor.
7. Worried: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick
inspection.
8. Frivolous: Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to
hit flies and bugs.
9. Absent-minded: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10. Childish: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see
it bubble.
11. Sneaky: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent,
knows man in other stall will be blamed.
12. Patient: Stands very close for a long time, reads with free
hand.
13. Desperate: Waits in long line, teeth grinding, pisses in
pants.
14. Tough: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.
15. Efficient: Waits until he has to crap and does both.
16. Fat: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in
shower.
17. Little: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18. Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19. Disgruntled: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20. Conceited: Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.
21. Confused: Is actually a woman who wandered in by mistake.
22. Show-off: Stands as far back as he can, challenges other
guys to distance contests.
23. Horny: Stands close, masturbates, ejaculates in urinal.
24. Kinky: Brings girlfriend/wife in, has sex in the urinal.
25. Eye-Catcher: Cross dresser walks in.
26. Newbie: Asks for help.
27. Meek: Takes a toilet stall for the sole purpose of pissing.
28. Comparative: Looks at his own penis, then at his neighbor's,
wishes he was the other guy.
29. Chronic diarrhea: Can't wait for a toilet stall to open up,
takes a dump in a urinal.
30. In a hurry: Walks in, pisses on floor, walks out.
31. Embarrassing: Babysitting father takes you and daughter into
the restroom, daughter asks a lot of questions.
32. Neat freak: Carries in a can of Lysol, cleans his urinal
before and after use.
33. Hungry: Carries in a fast-food lunch, eats while pissing.
34. Juvenile: Takes a urinal for the sole purpose of vandalizing
the wall above it.
35. Pimp: Vandalizes the wall with easy girl's numbers.
36. Playa: Takes a urinal just to get those numbers.
37. Whore: Walks in and writes her own number above a urinal.
38. Moral: Tapes a message to the wall warning people of sex or
drugs.
39. Angry: Kicks in the back of the urinal to relieve anger.
40. Curious: Uses the kicked-out urinals just to see where his
piss will end up.
41. Mid-life crisis: Asks guys what their pissing style is,
tries it to see if it makes him feel younger.
42. Techno-geek: Brings in a web-cam.
43. Cruel: Blocks urinals until they get paid for moving.
44. Crueler: Doesn't pay, pisses on the cruel guy.
45. Cruelest: Doesn't pay, pisses on the guy, robs him of what
he made.
46. Wonderment: Says something along the lines of "What did I
drink to make it THAT color?"
47. Scientific: Analyzes the guy's abnormal piss, mails him the
results.
48. Molasses: Takes so long to piss, he falls asleep against
the wall.
49. Tricky: Sticks left leg into urinal, pisses down leg, piss
ends up in his shoe usually.
50. Animal instincts: Pulls down pants, lifts leg.
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| Posted by SwEeTiE PiE on 14-Aug-2005 | 25 ways to cope with stress25 Ways To Cope With Stress
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out.
See how many you can do at once.
2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "Have a nice day," tell them you have other
plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to
pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax forms using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them
from high places.
10. Leaf through a "National Geographic" and draw underwear on
the natives.
11. Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next
day.
13. Buy a subscription of "Sleezoid Weekly" and send it to your
boss's wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell your boss to "blow it out of your mule" and let him/her
figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with ear wax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret
messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it
comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend
they're in jail.
25. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
Bonus. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place
it back in the wrapper.
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