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| Posted by monster on 11-Aug-2005 | 90 year old wankerWhat do you call a 90-year-old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle whip!
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| Posted by Choclette Sauce on 11-Aug-2005 | Coming or goingQ: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he's coming or going.
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| Posted by Morgan E. Stromberg on 11-Aug-2005 | Biting the BulletOne day a woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down a road when a bank robbery was happening. Just as she was going passed the bank, she was shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to hospital and they managed to save the lives of her children (two girl sand a boy) and hers. Fourteen years later, one of her daughters came running out of the bathroom and screamed to her mother, she said, "Mom, I've just had a period and a bullet came out."
So her mother sat her down and explained what happened.
A couple of days later her second daughter came running out the bathroom again screaming that she too had a period and a bullet came out. So again, she explained the story.
Finally, a few days later, her only son comes running out of the bathroom.
The mother says, "Let me guess. You've had a crap and found a bullet in the toilet."
"No," shouts the boy, "I've just wacked off and shot the dog."
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| Posted by MILES NEIVERT on 11-Aug-2005 | Handsaw WankA construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw". The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.
The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!''
The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
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| Posted by Anita Bath on 11-Aug-2005 | Dorm shower fun1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure your clothes get all wet and soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed.
3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.
4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luther's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.
5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow! You know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.
6. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall return it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.
7. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.
8. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them "not to do it" and ask them "not to give in to sin." Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.
9. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residual water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleships over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.
10. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch." Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.
11. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting "Redrum! Redrum!" in your best groggy voice.
12. Bring a Yoo-Hoo chocolate milk drink to the shower with you. Complain about a stomach ache, then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh," and squirt the Yoo-Hoo down the drain "ditch" for all to see.
13. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.
14. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground as if shot.
15. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage "ditch", complaining angrily about the quality of water these days.
16. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of "Old McDonald Had A Farm," making the sound of the animal in their stall.
17. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benevolence and glory. If they don't tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.
18. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Make battle sounds -- including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declare victory. Leave wounded.
19. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.
20. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.
21. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim "Ohmigosh...do you know what these words REALLY mean?"
22. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that the Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect, OR pretend to be a fountain.
23. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.
24. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shapes when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand you little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.
25. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT...).
26. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.
27. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and Q-Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people using toilet balls.
28. Bring scuba gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon leaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans. Be cocky.
29. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make an "Mmmm!" sound, and then announce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind of tastes like head cheese.
30. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.
31. Hang "Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown" signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.
32. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle every time Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.
33. Stare at people's feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them to. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they DO wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.
34. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout "I'm coming for you, Moby!" Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a peg leg.
35. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. THEN they'll pay
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| Posted by Troy Bynoe on 11-Aug-2005 | HIS and HERS Road TripHERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
opens window
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses you
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all
But she is laughing inside...
And of course you're still lost.
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