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| Posted by Philippe Ballerstedt on 08-Aug-2005 | A $500 LookA man and wife were taking a shower when the doorbell rang. The wife says, "I'll get it" and wraps a towel around her. She opens the door and sees that it's her nextdoor neighbor. The neighbor notices that she's in her towel and says, "Damn your fine! I'll give you $500 right now if you'll open your towel and let me get a good look at that beautiful body of yours" She says, "$500? Right now?" He says, "Yeah right now." She agrees and opens her towel and lets him get a real good look. He hands her the $500 and goes back home. She gets back in the shower and her husband asks who was at the door and she says that it was the nextdoor neighbor. He said, "Cool! Did he have my 500 bucks?"
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| Posted by Squishy on 08-Aug-2005 | The Farmers meet the AilensTwo aliens landed on a farm. The farmer and his wife took the aliens in and showed them their way of life and everything. One day the farmer and his wife get to talking. The farmer asks his wife, "I wonder what the aliens do for sex?" The farmer's wife replied, "I don't know. Do you want to find out?" The farmer agrees.
So, that night, the farmer took the female alien up to one room while his wife took the male alien up to another room. As the wife was getting into bed, she looked down at the alien's pecker and starts laughing. "You've got to be kidding me!" she laughed.
The alien told her to wait for a moment. Then he slapped his cheeks and pulled his ears and the thing grew to a very impressive size. The next day, the farmer asks his wife, "So, how was your night?" She replied, "Oh, it was wonderful. It was the best night of my life! How was yours?" "Well, not so good," replied the farmer, "all she kept doing all night was slapping my cheeks and pulling my ears."
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| Posted by Karen D. Detwiler on 08-Aug-2005 | Love DressThe mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple' s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. 'What are you doing?' the mother-in-law asked. 'I am waiting for my husband to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law replied. 'Why are you naked?' asked the mother-in-law. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law replied. 'LOVE DRESS! You are naked,' said the mother-in-law. 'But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy,' said the daughter-in-law. 'I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute,' the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the 'LOVE DRESS' and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. 'What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' the mother-in-law replied. 'Needs ironing,' he replied
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| Posted by LiL gIRl on 08-Aug-2005 | A New GiftA man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it. The note read:
Dear Honey,
Hope you like the gift. The lady at the store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. Oh, when you take them off be sure to wash them because they will be damp at times. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love,
Bobby
PS:I can't wait to take them off of you. The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.
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| Posted by Lady on 08-Aug-2005 | What Mom Taught UsMy mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a cyclone swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
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| Posted by Jase A. Bryant on 08-Aug-2005 | So Close Yet So FarJoe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
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