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| Posted by Michael S. Harrington on 10-Aug-2005 | A Boy Discovers BreastsA small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mommy! Mommy! What are those?" He says, pointing to her breasts.
"Well, son," she explains, "These are ballons, and when you die, they inflate
and float you up to heaven.
Incredibly, he appears to believe his mother's story and goes off, quite
satisfied.
A few days later, the little boy comes running home to get his mother from the
kitchen.
Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Jenny is dying the boy screams.
What do you mean?" his mother asks.
Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her
balloons out, and Dad's trying to blow 'em up for her and she keeps yelling
'God, I'm coming!!'".
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| Posted by Brandon C. Mclean on 10-Aug-2005 | Money for furnitureA woman filed for divorce. The reason: her husband did not satisfy her sexual
needs.
"Tell your side of the story," the judge said to the husband.
"When we just married," the husband said, "my wife said, 'Let's us save money
for furniture.' I agreed, so we ate only soup until we'd money for furniture.
Then she said, 'Let's save money for a TV set..' I agreed, so we ate only tea,
until we bought the TV set. Then she said, 'Let's save money for a car. We
switched to water...."
"It's interesting," the judge said, "But you better tell us about your
performance in bed. Your wife complains that you do not satisfy....."
"Citizen??™s judges! Just give me one bowl of soup, and I'll satisfy all of
you."
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| Posted by sum messed up retard on 10-Aug-2005 | A Mother's Teachings1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets
home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You're going to get it when we get
home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer
me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out off that swing and break your
neck, you??™re not going to the store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your
eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling
test, you'll never get a good job."
7 My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't
come running to me."
8 My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."
9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."
10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a
barn?"
11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you
will understand."
12. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I
hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."
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| Posted by preston l. allen on 10-Aug-2005 | Baked BeansOnce upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively
reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent
that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and
gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in
the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he
had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful
aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after
all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra
large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt
reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner
tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of
the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to
feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold,
the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned,
and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud,
but ripe as a rotten egg. He had hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin
and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another
urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine
revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a
while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real
blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid
his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he
was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so
long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had
not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.
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| Posted by Jared A. Bassette on 10-Aug-2005 | Out of the prisonOn the eve of the fifteenth anniversary of their wedding, a husband and a wife
are in bed. She thinks, "I wonder, does he remember that tomorrow is our
anniversary? Fifteen years together! I am sure he remembers. Probably he'd
already bought a gift for me. What can it be? A fur coat? Or a ring?"
The husband thinks, "If I strangulated her on the day of our wedding, tomorrow
I would be already out of prison."
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| Posted by OurLadyPeace Fanatik on 10-Aug-2005 | Battery-powered familyA woman walked past her daughter's closed bedroom door when she heard a
strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving
herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked "What are you
doing?"
The daughter replied "Mom, I'm 35 years old, unmarried, and this thing
is about as close as I'm gonna get to a husband. Please, leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side
of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter making
passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, she
replied, "Dad, I'm 35 years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard the buzzing
noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered the room and
observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was
next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked "What the hell are
you doing?"
The husband replied "Watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
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