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| Posted by Jo Stepin on 10-Aug-2005 | A conversationHusband: I hear that fish is good for our brain.
Wife: You had better eat a whale.
Anne: "How long can a person live without brains?"
Billy: "I don't know. How old are you?"
Father: Don't you think our son gets all his brains from me?
Mother: Probably. I still have all mine.
Dan: She's a bright girl...she has brains enough for two.
Jim: Then she's just the girl for you.
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| Posted by Lindsay Drue Whitley on 10-Aug-2005 | The Perfect HusbandThere are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club
after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up,
and the following conversation ensues:
- "Hello?"
- "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
- "Yes."
- "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
- "What's the price?"
- "Only $1,500.00."
- "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
- "Ash, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.
I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really
good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
- "What price did he quote you?"
- "Only $60,000..."
- "OK, but for that price you should insist on all the options."
- "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
- "What?"
- "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and... I
stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at
last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of
park area, beachfront property..."
- "How much are they asking?" - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price... and I
see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
- "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
- "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
- "Bye...I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap. He raises his hand, holding the
phone, and asks: "Does anyone know whom this phone belongs to?"
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| Posted by Iceman B. Kool on 10-Aug-2005 | Secret To A Long MarriageA married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party
everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day
and age.
The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I
would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all of the minor
decisions.
And now after 60 years of marriage I can truthfully say that we have never
needed to make a MAJOR decision."
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| Posted by WhlteFlre on 10-Aug-2005 | Do You Want to Marry Me?An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally
decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was
she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone
and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer
to the marriage proposal.
"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone,
but I couldn't remember who it was."
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| Posted by Rachel sutton on 10-Aug-2005 | Enjoying Kids?·Ever notice that a human baby doesn't walk until it's tall enough to reach a
parent's hand?
?·Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the
drive before it has stopped snowing.
?·"There is only one pretty child in the world and every parent has It.??? -
Chinese Proverb.
?·I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ...she said they certainly wouldn't have
paid for me.
?·Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort
to teach them good manners.
?·Children will soon forget your presents, but they will always remember your
presence.
?·Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what
you shouldn't have said.
?·The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.
?·Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of
blaming my parents.
?·We did have to childproof our home about 3 years ago ... but somehow they
still get in!
?·Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
?·Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
?·Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
?·When mama isn??™t happy, isn??™t anybody happy.
?·You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of
the time, but you can never fool a Mom.
?·I love to give homemade gifts ..., which one of my kids does you, want?
?·A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new
school clothes.
?·Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
?·The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of
their time each day.
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| Posted by Jason A. Romig on 10-Aug-2005 | Two boysThere was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a
bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the
nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The
bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you." He knew what it was. "Oh, my goodness!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and
St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
??? Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St.Peter
are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The old man said, "Shoo, you brat!
Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you,
one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've
been telling' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see
anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And
one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the
fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
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