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| Posted by Spy5 on 07-Aug-2005 | A couple arrived at town hall seconds before...A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a
judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked
if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license
from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out that they had
filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa.
They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another
license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the
wrong format. Again they catch the clerk ... After five reissued licenses,
the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are
irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal,
and any children you might have would be technical bastards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
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| Posted by Suki on 07-Aug-2005 | For decades two heroic statues, one male and...For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female,faced each
other in a city park,until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that
I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both
to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want
to." And with a clap of his hand, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly but soon
dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged
a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of
branches. Fifteen minutes later the two statues
emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the
angel, winking conspiratorically.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue
turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only
this time you hold the pigieon down, and I'll
shit on it's head.
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| Posted by bigcat on 07-Aug-2005 | A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a...A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy. Her husband
isn't there, and she doesn't want to name them without him
seeing them first. But the hospital insists that the babies
must be named by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louie overhears
this and he names them (unbeknowst to the couple). Later the
husband arrives, and the happy couple are set to name the
babies when a nurse informs them that Uncle Louie already took
care of that. "Oh no!" they cry. "He's crazy and doesn't
know what he's doing. What names did he pick?" The nurse
says, "Well, he named the girl Deniece." "Whew, not bad. In
fact, that's nice. And how about the boy?" "Denephew."
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| Posted by LeeLee on 10-Aug-2005 | "fifteen bucks"A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the
shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of
his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get
himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab
waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to
send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his
drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said
(adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell
out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and
was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his
financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty
good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride
back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his
old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The
businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack
of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the
airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to
give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The
businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same
questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked
"How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The
businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long
line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each
driver.
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| Posted by Christer J. Kauppinen on 10-Aug-2005 | I was trying to tell you that I was comingThere was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished
building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself,
so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this
guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on
the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning
"need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand
saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood
and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started
yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
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