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| Posted by Ken Jackowitz on 14-Aug-2005 | A deadly wifeA woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After
his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following,
your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and
make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious
meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't
burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't
discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress
worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for
the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain
his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
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| Posted by Ben T. Halbig on 14-Aug-2005 | The Intelligent ParrotThis guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks
maybe he'd like to have a pet he can get along with. So, he goes
to a pet shop in search of a friend. After looking around he
spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any
feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what
happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually
understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" The guy asks. "Then answer this; how do you hang onto
your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but
since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis
around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't
see it cause of my feathers."
"Wow," says guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't
you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse
with competence on almost any subject: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at
ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" He says, "I can't afford
that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.
"Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for
$20 just make an offer."
The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks
go by.
The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a
great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good
advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from
work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one
wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I
should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about
your wife and the mailman."
"What?" says the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door
today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him
on the mouth."
"What happened then?" Asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the
nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"Oh No!" the guy says, "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and
began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly
going down and down..."
The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? What
happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the parrot, "I fell off my perch."
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| Posted by Griffs on 14-Aug-2005 | AffairsFirst Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful
teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the
son that they always wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure
enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took
one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be
the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters
I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you
been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said....."Not this time."
*****************************************************************
Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried
or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was
about to be cremanted, he discovered the longest private part he
had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part
like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that,
the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member.
The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it
home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have
something to show you that you won't beleive." he said, and
opened his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed....."Schwartz is dead!"
*****************************************************************
Third Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a bear.
"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.
Teh barman replied "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir" replies the bartender, but all that comes to
real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
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| Posted by babygirl on 14-Aug-2005 | Half sisterOne Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said,
"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married
to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and
her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk
with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been
married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she
has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to
fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half
sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually
started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very
proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in
June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and
broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm
awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with
the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get
married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells
me the girl is my half sister."
"Heheh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any
attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
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| Posted by apricot on 14-Aug-2005 | Who Died the Worst Death?Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..."
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| Posted by regina on 14-Aug-2005 | Costume...A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.
She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not
going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he
could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time
to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little
bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and
went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind
of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I
never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we
went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not
going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume
to......."
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