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| Posted by quack quack on 10-Aug-2005 | A Deep BreathA Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once
in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.
When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep
breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with
the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished,
the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives
under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker
and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth
encore, she decides to try it herself.
So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath
of fresh air, dives under the bed... and finds four Chinese men.
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():sex jokes (1888): Things Not to Say to Parents |
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| Posted by James Rudd on 10-Aug-2005 | Things Not to Say to Parents10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lie there during sex too?
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| Posted by willard sunnex on 10-Aug-2005 | First Time ConstestantJane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to
answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over
her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run
out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane
agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband
drove them home.
"I've just got to win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know
I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage
tomorrow!"
"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started
heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence,
Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get
tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'
And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident
and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning,
however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show
question.
"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning
to sleep.
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her
teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on
the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she
could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running
through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the
previous day??™s events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10
seconds."
"Hmm, hum, and the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh,
uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."
"I, hush, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had
it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"
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| Posted by Sarah A. Pedersen on 10-Aug-2005 | Three BreastsThere's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he
passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker with Three
Breasts...??? The man gut??™s just a little interested and thinks "well... that
could be a once in a lifetime experience". So he goes in and walks up to the man
behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says.
"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars" the
pimp replies. But, the man is too exited; pull's his wallet and pays him the
money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house
and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes
closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of
his life.
The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night
before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand
dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of
the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.
But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey!
You had three breasts yesterday..." he says after which she smiles and says
"What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!???
There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he
passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker with Three
Breasts...??? The man gut??™s just a little interested and thinks "well... that
could be a once in a lifetime experience". So he goes in and walks up to the man
behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says.
"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars" the
pimp replies. But, the man is too exited; pull's his wallet and pays him the
money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house
and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes
closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of
his life.
The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night
before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand
dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of
the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.
But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey!
You had three breasts yesterday..." he says after which she smiles and says
"What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!???
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| Posted by Ashly L. Boss on 10-Aug-2005 | Fireman SexA FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a
wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our
jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on
the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I
want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all
night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife
promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!",
they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the
hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
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| Posted by RARA on 10-Aug-2005 | Is That a RecordIn the good old days of the golden oldies, most records were sold on the Decca
label.
Henry Buses had a hot hit titled, "Hot Lips." A lady heard the record on the
radio and decided that she just had to have it. She looked up the number for the
record shop and called them.
Unfortunately, she misdialed and, instead of reaching the record store, she
got "Hank's Auto Body."
She said, "Do you have 'Hot Lips' on a ten-inch Decca?"
Hank, who had answered the phone himself, said, "Well, uh, ma'am, no, but I do
have hot nuts under a ten-inch pecker!"
A slight pause.
The lady said, "Is that a record?"
"I don't know, ma'am, but it's a damned good average."
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