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| Posted by Jamee M. Warner on 14-Aug-2005 | A dictionary for womenArgument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
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A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't
realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n.
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What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a
policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
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You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the
tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned
everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
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Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
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Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
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An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
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A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound
bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
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The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
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To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a
purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
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What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with
you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
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Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to
duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
---------------------------------
Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming
out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
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You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold
your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
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On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On
his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n.
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Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and
slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
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The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
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Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if
you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
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A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds,
and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
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| Posted by Cory W. Whorton on 14-Aug-2005 | I'm Glad I'm A ManEvery single day, I give thanks to God
that I was born a man instead of a broad
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am man
I dont' go through a faze, every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take lots of friends when I go to the john
I don't buy shoes just because they're on sale
and I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am, man
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle and not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass
Oh, I love your fair faces
And your warm, soft embraces
and I love those things inside of your blouse
But if God took a rest and I woke up with breasts
Not once would I ever leave the house
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am, man
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
I don't spend hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
and when someone asks my age, I never lie
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
These are probably the same shorts I wore yesterday
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am, man
I find Michael Bolton, completely revolting
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
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| Posted by Blitz Krieg on 14-Aug-2005 | Whining MenMen are always whining about how we're suffocating them.... Personally, I
think if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the
pillow....
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():gender jokes (1878): The MasterCard Commercial All Men Are Waiting For |
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| Posted by Justin E. Danon on 14-Aug-2005 | The MasterCard Commercial All Men Are Waiting ForCover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
A Bottle of Dom and a Limo home: 125.00
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00
Sending her on her way and never having to hear her complain:
Priceless
For everthing else.... There's MasterCard
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| Posted by Sex E. Babe on 14-Aug-2005 | Make Me Feel Like a WomanAn airplane is about to crash into the sea, sure to leave no
survivors.
One of the stewardesses enters the cockpit asking the pilot,
"Make me feel like a woman for the last time."
The pilot doesn't hasitate for a second. He takes off his shirt
and says to the stewardess, "Go iron my shirt!"
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| Posted by Nikki on 14-Aug-2005 | Creation of ManOne day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a
problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden
and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but
I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an
enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All
in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and
more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a
ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in
the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But,
you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
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