A fellow's wife was very worried about her...

He sticks out his hand..."Put it there, pal," he says, "I am married to your sister."

A fellow picks a woman up in a bar and takes...

When he takes off his shoes and socks, it is apparent that his toes have had something dreadful happen to them.. "Eeek!" says she. "Oh, I used to have toe-lio," says he. "You mean polio?" "No, toe-lio." So they continue.

When he takes off his pants, his knees look like they have been beaten with sledge hammers. "Eeek!" says she. "Oh, I used to have the knee-sles," says he. "You mean measles?" "No, knee-sles." Still undaunted, they continue.

When he takes off his underpants, she laughs and says, "Don't tell me! Small-cocks!"

Studly young Romeo and his dimwitted college...

Then a Sharon Stone look-alike emerges from the dorm and saunters past. Romeo turns, smiles, and -- barely audibly -- inquires, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"

The young beauty -- startled by what she thinks she heard -- exclaims "What?!" Without missing a beat, Romeo repeats "Typical nasty weather?" "Oh," she demures, "yes," and goes on her way.

More young lovelys walk by and the scene is repeated. "Tickle your ass with a feather?" "What?" "Typical nasty weather?"

Finally, Romeo delivers his line, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" and his prospect stops, smiles and invites him up to her room.

Now the sidekick, alone, having paid close attention, decides to try this remarkable new technique. A likely prospect comes near. The sidekick leers and blurts out, "Cram a feather up your ass?"

Shocked, the girl spins around and slaps him, to which he replies, "Looks like rain!"

A woman asks: "Why don't men get mad cow disease?...

Another woman replies: "Because men are pigs!"

What is the thinnest book in the world?...

- What Men Know About Women.

Gift Buying Rules For Men...

Gift Buying Rules For Men

Rule #1:

When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:

If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:

If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:

Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:

You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips....

Rule #6:

Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:

Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:

Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:

Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:

Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, ParrLumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.(NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11:

Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:

Tickets to a Seahawks game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:

Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:

It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:

Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.