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| Posted by Joe J. Shmo on 13-Aug-2005 | A genie, a guy, and a bridge to hawaiiA man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,", know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
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| Posted by Cameron d. Peckham on 13-Aug-2005 | Ladies vs. Real WomenLadies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
And finally the most important tip!.....
Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women - Leftover wine??
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| Posted by Matt C. Messinger on 13-Aug-2005 | Advice for WomenIf you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section
buy a dog.
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you
buy a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it
buy a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
buy a dog.
If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors
buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
buy a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually,
buy a dog.
But on the other hand If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness,
Then .............
Buy a cat.
(Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental)
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| Posted by Jessica A. F on 13-Aug-2005 | You're just asking for too muchA man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her -- knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."
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