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| Posted by Nikki L. Heller on 09-Aug-2005 | A Hole in the HeadWhy does a man's penis have a hole in it? So he can get oxygen to his brain.
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| Posted by bob d. mackland on 09-Aug-2005 | Baldy PantsWhy did the bald man cut holes in his pockets? So he could run his fingers through his hair!
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| Posted by Clueless_3216 on 09-Aug-2005 | Banker JokeA little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?"
and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..."
The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?," he says.
"What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.
"I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!" The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"
"Ok, have it your way," said the president, and they shook hands on it.
"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning," said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.
"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?"
said the president.
"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable," said the president.
"Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady.
"For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?"
asks the bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."
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| Posted by Braelyn Garin on 09-Aug-2005 | Be Careful Wishing
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.
"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones.
"Let's see. My first wish is..."
He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.'
The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.
"Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man.
There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.
"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.
"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
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| Posted by Mira Maines on 09-Aug-2005 | The FarmerA young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degreein journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired himwas to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he wentback to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer'shouse way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer andproceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young manasked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made youhappy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one ofmy neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Weall screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed.
"Can you think ofanything else that happened that made you or a lot of other peoplehappy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time myneighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a bigposse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we tookher back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anythingever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after afew seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I gotlost once."
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| Posted by Wah Ibanez on 09-Aug-2005 | Kenny the RoosterWell, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!-
Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".
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