A husband is at home watching a football game...

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I
have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have
Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does
it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so.
I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go
home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are
already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As
he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd
this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice
young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the
repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

Two guys were sharing drinks while discussing...

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked one guy.

"Well, not exactly." The other guy replied, "She's more into the trick
dog
aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well, not exactly, I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays
dead."

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television...

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service
until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car
isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as
if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say
to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but
now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to
start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as
I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items
like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing.
And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for
which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete
stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I
really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it
gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go
hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals
call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you
threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen or
The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time
about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same
day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave.
Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is
fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look
fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share
equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking (especially when yer
cooking naked, wink), the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

Q. Why are men more intelligent when they're...

A. Because they're plugged into a genius!

Q....

A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?...

A. He heard the chicken was a slut.