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| Posted by Jeff D. Proper on 10-Aug-2005 | A Kentucky familyA Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure, the
father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw
-- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?"
The father responded, "Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this
in my entire life. I got no darned idea what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the
walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse
direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped
out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw???.
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():love jokes (2491): Little boy and his grandfather are fishing. |
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| Posted by Rainfire on 10-Aug-2005 | Little boy and his grandfather are fishing.This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. granddad pulls out a beer and
the little boy says "grandpa, can i have one of those?"
grandpa says "is your penis big enough to touch your a******?" to which the
little boy responds "no."
"then you can't have one."
a while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "can i have on
of those?"
grandpa says "is your penis big enough to touch your a******?" to which the
little boy responds "no."
"then you can't have one."
later on, grandpa and grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a
lottery ticket. grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "i just won $50,000"
grandpa says, "great, you??™re going to split that with me, right?"
the little boy asks, "grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your
a******?"
"yes," says grandpa.
"then go f*** yourself".
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| Posted by robby russo on 10-Aug-2005 | NEW AGE LULLABYHush little baby don't you squall
Momma's going to buy you a crystal ball.
And if you still can't see beyond
Momma's going to buy you a magic wand.
And if that wand doesn??™t change your fate
Momma's going to teach you to levitate.
And if the astral makes you sick,
Momma's going to buy you an incense stick.
And if that patchouli smells too rank
she??™ll buy you a sensory deprivation tank.
And if that tank don't float your bones
Momma's going to buy you some precious stones.
And if those gems don't ease your heart
Momma's going to buy you a natal chart.
And if your planets go berserk
Momma's going to buy you some bodywork.
And if your aura still needs kneading
Momma's going to buy you a past life reading.
And if your destiny stays hid
Momma's going to buy you a pyramid.
And if your charkas still feel stressed
Momma's going to take you on a vision quest.
And if power animals don't come to charm yaw
Sorry, kid, it's just your karma.
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| Posted by Jennifer N. Belluche on 10-Aug-2005 | BIRTH OF A HAMSTERI had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after
dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one
of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"Oldest trick in the book," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong
with the sick one and the other one sneak up behind you and bonks you on the
head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put a hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking
distressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the
hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired
sarcastically.
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her.
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it was a little hard to tell," she informed me.
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous
experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Gross!" they shrieked.
"Great; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?"
my wife wanted to know.
"Well, when my parents' dog had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store
in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.
"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick
out their hamster?" she asked.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot
would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be
making much progress," I noted.
"A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same
results.
"Should I dial 911?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through it."
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie,
breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," I told him.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal
through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, an epidural?" I suggested
scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may
I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my
wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact,
that isn't EVER going to happen....Ernie is a boy."
"What?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
male hamsters will, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what
I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just..."
"Excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. "What's so funny?" I demanded.
Tears were now running down her face. "Just...that...I'm picturing you pulling
on it??™s...it??™s..." she gasped.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled
the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to
be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her
a dirty look.
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| Posted by Bobby Horvath on 10-Aug-2005 | OVERWHELMING DESTRUCTION"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40
years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he
did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming
destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding
Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.
He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so
many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he
whispered to himself.
He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something,
move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook
his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have
happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold
and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he
said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "And for
heaven's sake, clean up this room!"
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| Posted by Kyle Burns on 10-Aug-2005 | MORNING SICKNESSThe neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen
table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling
loudly in the other room.
"What's wrong Marge?" she asked.
Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."
Surprised the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant."
"I'm not," the harried young woman replied. "I'm just damn sick of mornings!"
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