|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by janet on 09-Aug-2005 | A lifetime of sex1.) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2.) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3.) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4.) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F*ck you!"
5.) The fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Zach Evans on 09-Aug-2005 | NewlywedsA newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc...
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop ... but at the bar ... you know ... they have frozen glasses ..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvre's that are really delicious ... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvre's, poochi pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvre's: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... there's swearing, dirty words and all that."
The wife replied, "You want dirty words, cutie pie? ... "LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
... and, they lived happily ever after.
Now isn't that a sweet story?
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by quesadilla on 09-Aug-2005 | Hard to startHow are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Lion King on 09-Aug-2005 | Raise the deadA middle aged couple is watching TV when an Evangalist comes on and promises to heal the sick.
"If only you would pray with him and place your right hand in the air and place your left hand on the afflicted area."
So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch.
Seeing this, his wife says, "Gee honey, he said 'heal the sick', not raise the dead!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Sarah Clayton on 09-Aug-2005 | Big shitWhen the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Big Head Bill on 09-Aug-2005 | Ugly!Two friends are in a bar moaning about how ugly their wives are.
The first guy says his wife is uglier.
The second says, "Come with me and I'll show you my wife."
The two guys head out and get to the other one's house.
The guy opens the cellar door and says, "Honey could you come up here?"
She says, "Should I put the bag over my head?"
And he replies, "No, I don't want to fuck you, I just want to show you to someone."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
