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| Posted by Philip Jennings on 11-Aug-2005 | A Likely StoryA man bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down and the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 . . . then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought, and
pulled over.
The officer came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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| Posted by Cloeyhailey M. Matthews on 11-Aug-2005 | Bridge to HawaiiA man comes across a genies bottle on the beach and rubs it. A genie appears to grant the man 3 wishes. First the man asks for a million dollars. The genie grants his wish. The the man says that he has always wanted to be as smart as a rocket scientist and the genie grants his wish.
The man thinks long and hard about his third wish and then say," I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly and I am afraid of sailing. Could you build a bridge from here to Hawaii?"
The genie looks at the man, " Are you crazy? Do you know how much material and time that will take?"
The man thinks again and says, " Then my last wish is to understand how women think."
"Would you like that bridge two lane or four?"
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| Posted by Amy Joan on 11-Aug-2005 | Victoria's secretA man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.
"So, how do you like it?" she asks. Her husband then complains, "Darn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the dang thing!
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| Posted by LindrosFlyers on 11-Aug-2005 | Not What The Doctor OrderedA beautiful, Voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this women and all his professonalism goes out the windon. Right away he tells her to unfress.
After she has disrobed he beings to stroke her thigh. As he does this he say to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "your're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct, "says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now? "yYou're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes, "she say. "You're getting herpes."
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| Posted by Yo Momma on 11-Aug-2005 | Terrorism: Doing our partPresident Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.
Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women between the ages of 21 & 35 are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's ok to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)
And to do my part, I'm buying stickers for all women who participate.
Stop by my house so I can put the sticker on you to show you helped!
Names and addresses of non- participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.
The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and applaud you!
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| Posted by JELLOSA on 11-Aug-2005 | The Beautifuly Dead WomanA 55-year old woman is in a coma in the hospital. She isn't doing well at all. Her family is standing by her, waiting for her to pass away. The woman is now seconds from passing away when she sees a light; and a big tunnel. She floates way up high to the other end of the tunnel where she sees God.
"I can't believe I'm dead", the woman sadly says.
"What?!", says God,"Your not dead, you won't die untill your 85."
The woman then floats back down the tunnel. She awakens from her coma with joy and happiness from the family. She thinks, "Well, if I don't die for another 15 years, and I'm in the hospital right now, I can probably do some stuff that I have always wanted to do.
So, the woman gets her hair colored. She lets it grow long; all the way to the ground. She increases her breast sizes. She also had plastic surgery to get all those horrible wrinkles off her face.
A few days later, the woman is ready to leave the hospital. She leaves the entrance, and as she is walking down the street, a car runs over her and kills her. The 55-year old woman floats once again up the tunnel to God.
When she sees Him, she angrily yells, "You told me a had another 15 years to live!"
God then replies, "I didn't recognize you!"
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