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| Posted by Siemen on 14-Aug-2005 | A Little Lovin'A husband cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?"
"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied.
"Please, I'll only stick it in for a minute," pleaded her husband.
His wife retorted: "What do you think I am, a fuckin' microwave?"
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():sex jokes (1888): You Know You're a Whore When... |
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| Posted by Sumeet Patel on 14-Aug-2005 | You Know You're a Whore When...
1. You've slept with Geraldo Rivera.
2. Arsenio touches your knee.
3. Even Richard Dawson won't kiss you.
4. Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
5. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
6. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
7. The EPA comes looking for you.
8. You go through a Sealy (tm) a week.
9. Frederik actually comes to your door himself...just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
10. When people say "Ho, Ho, Ho" and it's July.
11. When you don't know "What's his name?"
12. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
13. You are the headquarters for the CDC.
14. Your baby looks familiar, but......like who?
15. When they change your # to 976.
16. Tetracycline is your best friend.
17. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
18. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
19. Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
20. When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
21. When they call you "Shazam" and they don't mean the money machine!
22. When you get haemorrhoids on you shoulders.
23. When getting dresses is not part of your day.
24. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
25. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
26. When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
27. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
28. When your motto is "2 Days, 2 Pounds...$2.90."
29. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
30. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
31. On the golf course, your afraid to yell "Fore (four)."
32. When the word Slalom gets you excited.
33. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
34. When you have a neon sign saying "open at night".
35. You want to have your name changed to Misty.
36. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
37. You start to think of yourself as Smurfette.
38. You haven't seen your floor in a week.
39. When sunlight scares you.
40. When your favourite quote is "next please".
41. You know all the people in "America's Most Wanted".
42. When Susan Sarandon envies you.
43. When Guinness Book starts calling.
44. When every song reminds you of someone...but who?
45. When everyone is refers to you as "dear" and "honey".
46. When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
47. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
48. When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
49. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
50. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
51. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
52. The Big Dipper looks inviting.
53. When soft foods have become distasteful.
54. White sauce is a staple in your diet.
55. When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
56. When it only took 2 licks to get to the centre of a Blow Pop.
57. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
58. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".
59. You and Prince have already made 3 records.
60. When the neighbours want you to install a drive up window.
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| Posted by punkprincess7546 on 14-Aug-2005 | Homeless GirlAn elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about seventeen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, "Please don't call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don't, I'll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!"
The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police after all."
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():sex jokes (1888): What Do You Want for Breakfast |
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| Posted by Yum Yum on 14-Aug-2005 | What Do You Want for BreakfastA woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.
"Bacon, eggs, perhaps some toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee".
He declines, "It's the Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite".
At lunch time she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, maybe with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No thanks. It's the Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a super burger. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"
Once more he declines, "Again, thanks, but it's the Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well then," she replies, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking STARVING!"
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| Posted by Aimee C. Goldberg on 14-Aug-2005 | After SexA man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"
"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.
The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"
His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
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():sex jokes (1888): Can I Turn the Light Off? |
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| Posted by luvtalaf alot on 14-Aug-2005 | Can I Turn the Light Off?A man is about to have sex with a really large woman, so he climbs on top of her.
"Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks.
"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?"
"No," he says, "because it's burning my ass!"
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