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| Posted by Areen E. Kim on 10-Aug-2005 | A man and a DobermanHank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main
Street. Watching awhile he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men.
A man holding a Doberman led it.
His curiosity got the best of him and walked up to the man at the front of the
line. "Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief", said Hank,
politely. " But I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind
telling me who it's for?"
"It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner. Tightening the leash, he
gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."
"Gee, that's terrible???, commiserated Hank???, but hmmm.... i s there any way you
could lend me your dog for a day or so?"
The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get
in line!"
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| Posted by Chris Taylor on 10-Aug-2005 | An old man in PhoenixAn old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your
day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five
years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're
sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck
they're getting a divorce???, she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls
Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced!
Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll
both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she
hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says???,
they??™re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!"
A man who forgets his wife's birthday is certain to get something to remember
her by.
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| Posted by Sean on 10-Aug-2005 | Old coupleThis old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lies on the bed but the
old woman lies on the floor. The old man asks, ??????why are you going to sleep on
the floor?''
The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
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| Posted by sarah reis on 10-Aug-2005 | At HospitalA man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the
dad that his son was born without torso, arms, or legs. The son is just a head!
But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and
compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With the entire bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief,
the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Whoop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked,
begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Whoop! Two arms pops out. The
bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant, "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs
his drink and guzzles the last of it. Whoop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in
chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the
right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over
him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says,
"That boy should have quit while he was a head???.
A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the shelf of
condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are
condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex???.
The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The
dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday,
and one for Sunday."
The son then picks up one with six condoms and ask, "Why six?"
The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for
Saturday, and two for Sunday."
The son then notices the 12 packs of condoms and asks the same question.
The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for
February, one for March...."
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| Posted by TigerFly on 10-Aug-2005 | Daugter with her vibratorAs a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange
buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the
world are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave
me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side
of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter
making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing,
the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is
about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me
alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of
all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband
sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the
couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law???.
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| Posted by amanda on 10-Aug-2005 | An Indian boyAn Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say
Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He
then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother
replies.
The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so
curious"
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