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| Posted by Clare Sakic on 10-Aug-2005 | A man watching TVOne evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them
in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his
wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He
called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried
and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the
peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers
up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut
flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the
kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's
going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
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| Posted by Hallie S. Comet on 10-Aug-2005 | A sick manA guy works a new job on thursday and friday. on monday he calls in and says,
"i can't come in today. i'm sick."
he works the rest of the week, but the following monday he calls in and says,
"i can't come in today. i'm sick."
the boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "he's great. he
does the work of two men. we need him."
so the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "you seem to have a
problem getting to work on mondays. you're a good worker and i'd hate to fire
you. what's the problem? anything we can help you with? drugs? alcohol?"
the guy says, "no, i don't drink or do drugs. but my brother-in-law drinks
every weekend, and then beats on my sister. so every monday morning, i go over
to make sure she's all right. she puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one
thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, i'm f****** her."
the boss says, "you f*** your sister?"
the guy says, "hey, i told you i was sick???.
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| Posted by Jeff D. Proper on 10-Aug-2005 | A Kentucky familyA Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure, the
father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw
-- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?"
The father responded, "Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this
in my entire life. I got no darned idea what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the
walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse
direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped
out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw???.
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():love jokes (2491): Little boy and his grandfather are fishing. |
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| Posted by Rainfire on 10-Aug-2005 | Little boy and his grandfather are fishing.This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. granddad pulls out a beer and
the little boy says "grandpa, can i have one of those?"
grandpa says "is your penis big enough to touch your a******?" to which the
little boy responds "no."
"then you can't have one."
a while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "can i have on
of those?"
grandpa says "is your penis big enough to touch your a******?" to which the
little boy responds "no."
"then you can't have one."
later on, grandpa and grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a
lottery ticket. grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "i just won $50,000"
grandpa says, "great, you??™re going to split that with me, right?"
the little boy asks, "grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your
a******?"
"yes," says grandpa.
"then go f*** yourself".
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| Posted by robby russo on 10-Aug-2005 | NEW AGE LULLABYHush little baby don't you squall
Momma's going to buy you a crystal ball.
And if you still can't see beyond
Momma's going to buy you a magic wand.
And if that wand doesn??™t change your fate
Momma's going to teach you to levitate.
And if the astral makes you sick,
Momma's going to buy you an incense stick.
And if that patchouli smells too rank
she??™ll buy you a sensory deprivation tank.
And if that tank don't float your bones
Momma's going to buy you some precious stones.
And if those gems don't ease your heart
Momma's going to buy you a natal chart.
And if your planets go berserk
Momma's going to buy you some bodywork.
And if your aura still needs kneading
Momma's going to buy you a past life reading.
And if your destiny stays hid
Momma's going to buy you a pyramid.
And if your charkas still feel stressed
Momma's going to take you on a vision quest.
And if power animals don't come to charm yaw
Sorry, kid, it's just your karma.
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| Posted by Jennifer N. Belluche on 10-Aug-2005 | BIRTH OF A HAMSTERI had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after
dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one
of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"Oldest trick in the book," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong
with the sick one and the other one sneak up behind you and bonks you on the
head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put a hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking
distressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the
hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired
sarcastically.
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her.
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it was a little hard to tell," she informed me.
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous
experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Gross!" they shrieked.
"Great; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?"
my wife wanted to know.
"Well, when my parents' dog had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store
in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.
"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick
out their hamster?" she asked.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot
would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be
making much progress," I noted.
"A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same
results.
"Should I dial 911?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through it."
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie,
breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," I told him.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal
through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, an epidural?" I suggested
scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may
I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my
wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact,
that isn't EVER going to happen....Ernie is a boy."
"What?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
male hamsters will, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what
I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just..."
"Excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. "What's so funny?" I demanded.
Tears were now running down her face. "Just...that...I'm picturing you pulling
on it??™s...it??™s..." she gasped.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled
the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to
be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her
a dirty look.
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