|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
():gender jokes (1878): A Man's Answer to Every Question a Woman Ever Asks |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by janaki on 13-Aug-2005 | A Man's Answer to Every Question a Woman Ever Asks1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Timothy J. Russin on 13-Aug-2005 | Helen Keller Driving?Why coeldn't Helen Keller drive???
Because she was a woman!!
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by RAVE KING on 13-Aug-2005 | How to Tell if You're a Woman1. You're a Bitch.
2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" you reply "no," then get pissed off when you are believed.
3. You become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour.
4. You always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
5. You always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business. For example, you say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend," when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend - whether it is possible or not!"
6. You whine.
7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.
8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.
9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
11. You complain.
12. You hate any bar he likes.
13. You demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.
14. You declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life.
15. Any woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend is labelled a WHORE, and your network of friends is informed immediately to spread this 'fact' as quickly as possible.
16. You make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
17. You break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.
18. You ask for help in some endeavour then become livid when it is given.
19. You insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.
20. You must have two sets of clothes: your "Fat Clothes" and your "Clothes I'm Going to Fit In Someday, I Swear". Still, you don't like any of them.
21. (Corollary to #4) You have three closets (plus two dressers and six boxes) full of clothes, yet you stand in front of them for three hours before an important dinner declaring, "I have nothing to wear."
22. You actually like the Lifetime cable channel.
23. Girls Night Out is a special treat. Boys Night Out is forbidden.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Timothy J. Russin on 13-Aug-2005 | Calculator Tricks....Take a calculator.
Type in 55378007.
+24
-23
=
?
Flip it over. This is what you DO N0T want a woman to be.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by J Burns on 13-Aug-2005 | How to Shower Like a Man/WomanHow To Shower Like A Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo, woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecks. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower)
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by BILLY B. PLOTTER on 13-Aug-2005 | Seminars for Women(prepared and presented by males)
1. Are You Ready to Leave?: Definition of the Word YES
2. Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled "Honey, Do I Look Fat?")
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying and Law Enforcement
5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
6. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
8. The Seven-Outfit Week
9. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (formerly "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With It")
10. Driving : Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
11. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
12. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
13. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
14. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
15. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
16. Yes, You Too Can Buy Condoms (formerly titled "WE learned to deal with the embarrassment")
17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19. MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments
20. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
21. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
