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| Posted by Scott D. Willson on 11-Aug-2005 | A night out at the Strip JointDave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym.
His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab.
Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
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| Posted by Messerschmitt on 11-Aug-2005 | Men and Women ComparedNICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately call each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though its only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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| Posted by Steven J. Deceilio on 11-Aug-2005 | Fire!Three men were arrested for stealing cars.
Their sentance was to be shot.
The first man was about to be shot, so he pointed behind the people who were going to shoot him and yelled "Flash flood!"
The people who were about to shoot him looked towards the direction he was pointing and he ran away, escaping his punishment.
It was the next man's turn. Like the first man, he pointed behind the people who were about to shoot him, but he yelled "Tornado!"
The people who were about to shoot him looked towards the direction he was pointing and he ran away, escaping his punishment.
The last man was about to be shot. Like the first to men, he pointed behind the people who were about to shoot him, but he yelled "Fire!" and everyone shot him.
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| Posted by twatty Wanks on 11-Aug-2005 | Three Men In A SaunaThree men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a
beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping
stops. The others look at him curiously.
"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of
my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm
to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone.
I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna.
In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending
from his ass. The others raise their eyebrows.
"I'm getting a fax," he explains.
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| Posted by LP05 on 11-Aug-2005 | Hey Mom!There was a young couple living in a Nudist Colony when one day, their five year old son comes running up to his Mother.
"Hey Mommmy!", said her son, "Those things that Women have on their chests..how come some are bigger and some are smaller?"
Thinking a moment his mother said, "Well son, the bigger they are the dumber the woman is."
"oh", said her son,"Well, what about those things men have between their legs? How come some of THEM are bigger and some are smaller?"
"Well son", said the mother, "It's just the opposite. The bigger they are the smarter the man is."
Puzzled, the mother asked, "Why do you ask son?"
"Oh..well I just saw Daddy out back talkin' to this REALLY dumb woman and he's gettin smarter and smarter!"
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| Posted by skeeto. on 11-Aug-2005 | How unfair?This is a long one so I apologise now!
3 men die and go to heaven. At the gates, they meet St Peter who tells them
'Before you come in here, you have to answer one question. According to how you answer the question you will get a mode of transport. The mode of transport you have determines your status in heaven, do you understand?'
'yes' answer the men
'ok' says Peter and he turns to the first man. 'Tell me truthfully, how many times have you had an affair???'
'Well' said the first man 'I must admit I've had an affair 5 times'
'You get a bicycle then' said Peter and off the man goes into heaven
The second man answers, 'I've had an affair 2 times' and so he gets a mini and goes off into heaven
Finally the last man answers 'I can honestly say I have never had an affair in my life, I love my wife' and so he gets a brand new bmw and goes off into heaven.
A time later, the first man sees the last man sat next to his brand new bmw crying.
'What could possibly be wrong, you have this wonderfull car?' asks the first man.
'It's not that, I think that's great' says the man crying, 'it's just that I've just seen my wife go by on a skateboard!'
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