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| Posted by josh d. jackson on 09-Aug-2005 | A Panda Walks into aA panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak, a potato, and a Coke please."
So the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal.
The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"
The panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"
"Why yes," the barman answered.
"You're a panda."
"Good," the panda nodded.
"Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary."
And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:
PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
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| Posted by Jon Meister on 09-Aug-2005 | Cannibal HygieneWhat do cannibals use to freshen their breath? Men-tos
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| Posted by E D Howard on 09-Aug-2005 | Ya Just can't wiBert had been married for years, and was starting to have some problems getting it up. One of his friends told him that he should surprise his wife one of these nights, and things would change. His friend told him to sneak in, really late one night, and crawl quietly into bed beside his wife without waking her up. Then he is to slowly reach down into her panties and play around a bit, then wipe it on his face. That would turn him on, and once he woke her up, she couldn't resist this hardon. So he waits a few days, sneaks in, and crawls into bed beside his wife. He sticks his hand down her panties, and plays around a bit, then wipes it all over his face. Sure enough, he was getting horny, so he repeated this a few times. Shortly he had a hard on a squirrel couldn't climb. He was very happy, and turned on the light, and woke up his wife......
"Honey, do you notice anything different about me???"
She took one look at him, and said "Yeah, have you been fighting again??? There is fresh blood all over your face."
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| Posted by Kayla Rakes on 09-Aug-2005 | Dead RabbitYears ago, while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle. I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realised it was the next door neighbour's 10 year old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in it's cage, hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes".
Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbour's Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"
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| Posted by Jaron M. Quigley on 09-Aug-2005 | Eating WormsLittle Johnny refused to eat. So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The psychiatrist asked, "What would you like to eat?"
"Worms" Little Johnny said. The psychiatrist was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupful. Placing them on a plate, he said, "Here they are."
"I want them fried" was the response.
The nurse took them and had them fried.
When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one. The psychiatrist took one and in a strong voice said, "Here is only one. Now eat it."
"I only want half and you eat the other" was the reply.
The psychiatrist swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny. Just then Little Johnny began to cry. The doctor asked what was wrong.
Little Johnny said, "You ate my half!"
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| Posted by Justin D. Dickenson on 09-Aug-2005 | Policemen in HeavenSt Peter is standing at Heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?"
St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?"
St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travellers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?"
St Peter asked.
"I was an Air Force Security Policeman, sir."
"Excellent my son... I've gotta take a pee, watch the gate, will ya?"
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