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| Posted by Katelyn C. Keegan on 12-Aug-2005 | A Peg-legged Halloween!A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a hallowe'en party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:
"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple!"
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| Posted by Kellen Cuttance on 12-Aug-2005 | The Perfect Gift!A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.
"This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs." Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.
"He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter."
The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.
"That's fantastic," said the customer.
"And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.
Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.
"Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!"
When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic."
He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch and listen."
He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.
"Let me try it," said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!"
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| Posted by Angel2 on 12-Aug-2005 | Bear HuntingOne day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkepper. "I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with"
The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, "This gun is perfect for any deer"
Taking the gun, and jumping into his Jeep the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his new sport, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a Bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey he took aim and, BOOM!! When the smoke cleared to his surprise, no bear.
Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asked the bear.
"I'm sorry, I did mean to, I'll never do it again!" whined Fred.
"Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am" explains the Bear.
Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM, the bear screws him up the ass.
All pissed off Fred drives away muttering, "I'm going to get that fuckin' bear, no fuckin bear is going to that to me".
Fred goes goes bak to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, and goes back to the park.
Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!
When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there's the bear.
"I'm sorry, I'll never do it agian, I promise", screams Fred.
"I thought I told you not to come back here again", exclaims the bear, "now pull down your pants.
Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again.
Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, "That's it, I'm going to blow that fuckin bears head clean off"
When he gets back to thte sporting goods store he explains to the shopkeeper, "I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful."
The shopkeepers hands him a gun and says, "This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this"
Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Loooking around he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!
When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.
"You're not in this for the sport anymore, are you?"
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| Posted by Shorty on 12-Aug-2005 | Rude, Crude, and Lewd!Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your Mom.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's rest room?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts!
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day.
What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
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| Posted by Trisha Simone on 12-Aug-2005 | Xtremely Rude! (Adults Only)Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.
Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.
Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.
Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.
Q. What's the definition of Trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.
Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A. Pleasing!
Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo!
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
Q: What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
A: Erection day.
Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still sucks.
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
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| Posted by Heather R. Winter on 12-Aug-2005 | Put-Downs Galore!Some good put-downs...ya' never know when you'll need one!
I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you --it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person.
Are your parents cousins?
Your teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter.
Nice face...what are you going to do when the baboon wants his ass back?
Oh my God, look at you! Anyone else hurt in the accident?
What other problems do you have besides being unemployed, a moron and a dork?
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
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