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| Posted by Joe Brey on 10-Aug-2005 | A POEM FOR MOMS AND DADSNow I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!
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| Posted by Jay Macdonald on 10-Aug-2005 | By the name of jerry?A mermaid walked out of the sea carrying an infant. She approached the people
on the beach and said, "Can you please tell me how to find a diver by the name
of Jerry?"
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| Posted by Fran Mcgrath on 10-Aug-2005 | GENERATION GAPDuring one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I
want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here
at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close
behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go
with you."
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| Posted by Sandi J. Jeter on 10-Aug-2005 | Get coldQuestion: What a husband should do if he sees his wife with a stranger and
they both are naked?
Answer: A good husband should cover his wife at once, not to let her get
cold.
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| Posted by Sam ze Chef on 10-Aug-2005 | MOTHER'S DICTIONARYAMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have
sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.
DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de
children play outside.
DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert?
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to
keep you on the edge of financial disaster
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained
carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though
they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word?
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
say.
LOOK OUT! What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream
it
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes
into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your
last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that
children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the
children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words
WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
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| Posted by Falcon Falcon on 10-Aug-2005 | THE BRIBEAn eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over
next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of
candy."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car
pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.
"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy
you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the
driver. "You bought the Ford, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"
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