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| Posted by Anita Bath on 13-Aug-2005 | A Real BreakupA friend of mine was trying to figure out the best way to break up with her boyfriend. She seemed awfully concerned that he not be angry.
"Are you afraid he'll spread lies about you?" I asked.
"I don't mind the lies, but if he ever tells the truth, I'll break his neck," she answered.
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| Posted by Totally Clueless on 13-Aug-2005 | Cocktail PartyAt a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed woman, was making overtures to her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.
At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"
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():sex jokes (1888): The Top 13 Signs You're Taking Your Breakup Too Hard |
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| Posted by Dappa D on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Signs You're Taking Your Breakup Too Hard13> The tears flow in the produce section as the sight of two perfect cantaloupes bring memories of her flooding back.
12> You keep calling his old number in the Oval Office, even though you know that new dumb guy always picks up.
11> You don't know what you'd do if you didn't have your dotcom stocks to console y-- uh-oh.
10> You keep mailing her threatening letters because her restraining orders smell like her.
9> Even your therapist suggests that you "take the manly route of suicide."
8> You start writing country songs... and the country is Bosnia.
7> You ask your pastor if it's improper to have a funeral for your penis.
6> You're too depressed to get out of bed and stalk her.
5> Keeping a stained dress: Tacky
Using it to clone an army of SuperPresidents: Creepy
4> You haven't returned any of Rupert Murdoch's calls about appearing on "Who Wants to Catch a Multimillionaire on the Rebound?"
3> Inspired by a combination of true love and a court order, you're always just over 50 yards away.
2> "All your albums are belong to me!"
1> You cry every time you take a leak, because *she* used to take a leak.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Minty Fresh on 13-Aug-2005 | Politeness Pays OffThe nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the young woman, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
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| Posted by Laura Muraska on 13-Aug-2005 | True Field of ExpertiseMasturbation is probably my only true field of expertise.
In Boy Scout Camp, we had a masturbation contest, I finished first and third.
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():sex jokes (1888): The Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger |
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| Posted by skeeto. on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger16> "But officer, she asked for directions!"
15> You're the only guy at your gym who's got a French manicure between his legs.
14> Your wedding ring keeps falling off in the shower.
13> Restraining order keeps you out of Yellow Pages offices nationwide.
12> "Not tonight, baby -- I've got a hangnail."
11> Madge calls the cops when she discovers you soaking in the Palmolive.
10> Your rabbi is also your manicurist.
9> A few words into your "I did not have sexual relations" finger-wagging speech, Helen Thomas faints dead away.
8> Getting to third base is now a ground-rule home run.
7> You now get arrested for giving someone the finger -- even in New York City.
6> Millions of pianists in the world, but there are chords that only *you* can play.
5> Aunt Norma won't let you play "Chopsticks" at the family reunion anymore.
4> You sprout wood every time someone cuts you off in traffic.
3> Even Fox has to go to commercial when you throw your knuckleball.
2> Your nose-picking habit is cured -- and your belly button is squeaky clean!
1> "With this ring I thee-- HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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