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| Posted by Vince Joebob on 09-Aug-2005 | Bobbit HillbilliesTo the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies:
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John,
a poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with his wife;
she loped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
Penis that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.
Well the next thing you know there's a Ginsue by his side
And Lorena is in the car taking willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
And she tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.
Curve that is.
Tossed the nub
in the scrub.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
and they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked And they pointed 'over there'.
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
Found that is.
By the fence.
Evidence.
So the dick doc said, `Hey, I can fix your dong.
A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need.'
And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed.
Whizzed that is.
Even seam.
Straight steam.
Well he healed and he hardened and he took his dick to court.
With a half-arsed lawyer, 'cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape.
Video that is.
Unexposed.
Case closed.
Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?!
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| Posted by Belle on 09-Aug-2005 | Barber shopThis guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop and says,
'About two hours.'
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looks around at his shop full of customers and says,
'About two hours.'
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop and says,
'About an hour and a half.'
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
'Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.'
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks,
'Bill, where did that guy go when he left here?'
Bill looks at him and says,
'To your house.'
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| Posted by Zimbob D. Afgan on 09-Aug-2005 | Escaped conAn escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple, who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'
'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice arse.'
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| Posted by Lioness Mage on 09-Aug-2005 | Short fuseA bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says,
'What a great chest you have.'
The bodybuilder tells her,
'That's 500 kg of dynamite.'
He takes off his pants and the woman says,
'What massive calves you have.'
The bodybuilder tells her,
'That's 500 kg of dynamite.'
He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment.
The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He finally catches up and asks her why she ran out of the apartment.
The woman replies,
'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have.'
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| Posted by Foxy Mama on 09-Aug-2005 | Which one to chooseA man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test.
He gives each woman a present of $5000 and waits to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man is impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much, Again, the man is impressed.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000, gives him back the original $5000 and invests the rest in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously the man is impressed.
The man had a difficult choice and thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money and then he married the one with the biggest tits.
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| Posted by bloody bob on 09-Aug-2005 | Great hearingDuane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young lady and she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on underneath. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says,
'Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming...'
He goes with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him,
'What would you say is my best feature?'
The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out,
'Oh, it's got to be your ears!'
She's astounded.
'Why my ears? Look at these breasts!
They are full, don't sag, and they're 100 percent natural. My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars. Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?'
Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers,
'Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.'
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