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():battle of sexes (734): Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone??¦ |
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| Posted by Pink Floyd on 13-Aug-2005 | Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone??¦MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their 'i's' with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their'p's' and 'g's'. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
RESTROOMS Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants , before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the aundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of 'Love, American Style.'
WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about 'the ceremony.' Men talk about 'the bachelor party.'
MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same frind and they will talk for three hours.
RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
GUNS: Women dislike guns because they make noise and smell bad. They also suspect a certain phallic symbolism. A man likes guns for the same reason he likes TV remote controls: they make something interesting happen some distance from where he is. Protecting or feeding the family is really secondary.
GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays
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| Posted by ness on 13-Aug-2005 | Husbands and Wives, Volume: 73,983,512You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says. ''My wife and I are completely equal partners,'' is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. --Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ''There was water in the carburetor.'' I said, ''Where's the car?'' She said, ''In the lake.'' -- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. -- Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck
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| Posted by Denise L. Williams on 13-Aug-2005 | Why Nagging a Man Doesn't WorkWoman: 'This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!'
What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
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