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| Posted by Richard R. Dooley on 14-Aug-2005 | Chicken FarmerA woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to
file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, and then asks, "What is
your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks
and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's
try to rephrase that." The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is
still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken
farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with
being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last
year."
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| Posted by Terry Emhemed on 14-Aug-2005 | Midnight PatrolA policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot
overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with
the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat
reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly
knitting.
He stopped to investigate
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up,
obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this
magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked,
"And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's
knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen,"
he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said,
"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
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():sex jokes (1888): What do they do for Sex? |
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| Posted by Brian Cannon on 14-Aug-2005 | What do they do for Sex?Once there was this man named Bob. He was an American fighter
sent to Afghanistn to fight this war.
A month goes by and he is getting lonely. He hasnt had any sex
in a month. Things are really bad out there and he finally can
stand it anymore. Bob goes up to his sargent and says
"Sargent...things are really bad out her and i was
wondering...what do we do for sex?". The sargent laughs and
replies "Well see that camel out there..?". Bob yells "oh No! No
way im doing that!". Bob runs out back into his tent.
Two months later. It was a cold night, Bob is laying in hi bed
and he just cant take it anymore. So he runs outside. Pulls down
his pants and screws the camel like he never screwed anything
before. He goes buck wild with the camel.
The next morning he walks up to his sargent and says "Well last
night i had sex with that camel, and i have to admit it was the
best sex i have ever had." The sargent smiles and puts his hand
on Bob's arm and says "Im happy for you son, but most guys just
ride into town."
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| Posted by Caro Starfish on 14-Aug-2005 | Honeymoon PicturesOn their first night together, a newlywed couple gets ready for
bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and
wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can
open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and
he is astonished with her beauty.
"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful,
let me take your picture." Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He
answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my
heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the
bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new
wife asks, "Why are you wearing a robe, we are married now." The
man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get
a picture". He beams and asks, "Why?"
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!
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| Posted by Candy Dee on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 chancesCharlie and Audrey are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Charlie says to Audrey, "Audrey, I was wondering, have you ever cheated on
me?"
Audrey replies, "Oh Charlie, why would you ask such a question now? You
don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Audrey, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" He asked.
"Well, Charlie, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted
to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and
signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Audrey, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do
such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Charlie, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then
remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery
himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Audrey, you should do such a thing for me, to save my
life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must
really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when
was number 3?"
"Well, Charlie, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
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():sex jokes (1888): Kids say the darndest things! |
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| Posted by keenen on 14-Aug-2005 | Kids say the darndest things!A catholic teacher asks her students to answer the question
"When you die what part of your body goes to Heaven first?"
One student replied "I think it is the heart". "Why?", asks the
teacher. "Well", replied the student, "because we keep Jesus
and God in our hearts."
Another student replied "I think that the brain goes to Heaven
first."
Again the teacher asked for an explanation. The student replied
"Because we think about Jesus and God with our brain."
Little Tommy, the troublemaker in the class, said "Well I think
that when you die your feet go to Heaven first."
The teacher angrily asked "Tommy, why in the world would you say
such a thing?"
Tommy replied, "Because last night I was on my way to the
bathroom when I heard noises coming from my parents' bedroom.
So I crept to the door and looked in; my dad was on top of my
mom and her feet were up in the air and she was screaming "Oh
God I'm coming!"
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