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| Posted by brian brams on 13-Aug-2005 | Cigars and Old AgeTHE SECRET TO OLD AGE
A woman celebrates her 90th birthday with a huge gala in the village. Everybody is there - the mayor, the police chief... and a reporter from the local newspaper.
The reporter asks, for the record, to what does she ascribe such a long life?
She tells about a great many things, including the 3 beers and 2 cigars she has each day.
Looking him level in they eye, she says evenly: 'Never forget a healty and active sex life keeps your circulation going.'
The reporter is rather curious at such a declaration , and asks deferentially: 'So when was the last time you made love, Mam ?'
'Well, let me think - made love - the last time I did that was around 1945.'
'Whoah,' he says, 'that's a helluva long time ago!'
'You think so ?' the woman replies and checks her watch. 'But it's only 20:15 now, barely half an hour later.'
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| Posted by Lucky A. Shorty on 13-Aug-2005 | ConvictAn escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'
'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!'
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| Posted by Ensain on 13-Aug-2005 | The frog & the manA man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.' He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero' The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.' The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.' Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The man said, 'Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.'
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():sex jokes (1888): Truth in Singles Ads.... |
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| Posted by Jamee M. Warner on 13-Aug-2005 | Truth in Singles Ads....Subject: Truth in Advertising
List of Abbreviations in the WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds
--------------------------------------------------------------
CODE WORD INTERPRETED AS:
40-ish 48
Adventurer Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate Possessive
Artist Unreliable
Athletic Flat chested
Average looking Ugly
Beautiful Pathological liar
Commitment-minded Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile Bring your penicillin
Educated College dropout
Emotionally Secure Medicated
Employed Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera Snob
Enjoys Nature Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty Would frighten a Martian
Feminist Fat; ball buster
Financially Secure One paycheck from the street
Free spirit Substance user
Friendship first Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun Annoying
Gentle Comatose
Good Listener Borderline Autistic
Humorous Caustic
Intuitive Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker Lush
Looks younger If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel If you're paying
Loves Animals Cat lady
Mature Will not let you treat her like a farm
animal in bed, like last boyfriend did
New-Age All body hair, all the time
Nontraditional Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded Desperate
Outgoing Loud
Passionate Loud
Petite Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional Bitch
Redhead Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable Frumpy
Reubenesque Grossly Fat
Romantic Looks better by candle light
Self-employed Jobless
Smart Insipid
Special Rode the short school bus
Spiritual Involved with a cult
Stable Boring
Tall, thin Anorexic
Tan Wrinkled
Voluptuous Very Fat
Weight proportional to height Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate One step away from stalking
Widow Nagged first husband to death
Writer Pompous
Young at heart Toothless crone
Sooooo, where's the male side of that list?
-------------------------------------------
CODE WORD: INTERPRETED AS:
40-ish 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Affectionate Needy and looking for mother-figure
Artist Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Athletic Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-looking Fat, gray, and bald
Educated Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed On management track at Radio Shack
Financially Secure I will spend some money on you, in return for
which I will expect you to obey my every
whim for the duration of your mortal life.
Free Spirit Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking Arrogant bastard
Honest Pathological Liar
Huggable Overweight-more body hair than Gentle Ben
Light drinker Headed for AA
Like to cuddle Insecure, overly dependent
Like romantic walks on the beach I read Cosmo and think this is
what you want to hear
Mature Until you get to know him
Open-minded Wants to sleep with your sister but she's
not interested
Physically fit I spend a lot of time in front of
mirror admiring myself
Professional Owns a white button down
Reliable Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours
Self-employed Same as for women
Sensitive Needy
Smart Thinks Cheers is 'the wittiest show ever on TV'
Spiritual Once went to church with his grandmother
on Easter Sunday
Stable Occasional stalker but never arrested
Thoughtful Says 'Please' when demanding a beer
Virile Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out
Young at heart Pedophile
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