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| Posted by anglebaby on 09-Aug-2005 | Come Home Early HoneA woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did.
Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out :'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him."
"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?"
The neighbour replied, "His name is Bill."
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| Posted by Madi Stuart on 09-Aug-2005 | The Relationships OvThe Relationship with your Wife/Girlfriend Is Over When ...
- The milkman is wearing your bathrobe. - You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show. - She starts every sentence with the words ... "To whom it may concern."
- Your mail comes addressed to "Current Resident."
- The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit. - Her mother looks at you and starts laughing. - You are urged to stir your coffee "very well," before drinking it. - Your favourite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet. - People are already referring to her as the "widow."
- Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads ... "Joe's Place."
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| Posted by bob b. bobs on 09-Aug-2005 | Luckiest GuyPaul and Simon are talking about their respective weekends when the subject of picking up ladies pops up.
"I must say I'm doing fine in that department," says Paul.
"This weekend I hooked up with that Jenny Harris girl."
"Jenny Harris!" Simon exclaims, "What happened?"
"Let's just say I got lucky."
"I've heard about Jenny," Simon says, "and I wouldn't call it 'lucky.'"
"I would," Paul says.
"In that case," Simon replies, "you're the luckiest guy with herpes I know."
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| Posted by bob on 09-Aug-2005 | Old Fashioned WeddinA knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"
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| Posted by Kelley Norgard on 09-Aug-2005 | Fairground SexA woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his flat, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and hug bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and have rampant nookie.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The bloke says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
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| Posted by Prankster (Jake) on 09-Aug-2005 | Two Dwarfs and HookeTwo dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two hookers and take them back to their separate hotel rooms. When they get there, the first dwarf strips down but no matter how hard he tries, he is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUHhhh!!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first,"How did it go?"
The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head.
"You think that's embarrassing? *I* couldn't even get on the bed!"
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