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| Posted by Kabez Blesing on 10-Aug-2005 | Communication problemA judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the
property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed
one."
"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the
music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My
husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
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| Posted by Kitty K. Kitty on 10-Aug-2005 | True loveA woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he
motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have
been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to
support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were
by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health
started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
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| Posted by "Leppy" on 10-Aug-2005 | Bad prognosisA woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the
doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is
suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you
don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a
good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for
dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as
this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him, as that
will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by
wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some
type of sporting event on TV. And most importantly, make love with your husband
several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain
his health completely."
On the way home the husband asked his wife , "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
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| Posted by Whiteknight Whiteknight on 10-Aug-2005 | So many teddy bears so little timeA man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end
up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he
notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium
sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf
along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially
because it??™s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
She turns to him??¦they kiss??¦then they rip each other??™s clothes off and romp
around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying
there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, ???Well,
how??™d I do????
The woman says, ???You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.???
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| Posted by Canadian seven seven eight on 10-Aug-2005 | Tips on marriage"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
??? What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the
dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
??? I know all that."
??? Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
??? Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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| Posted by Dick Day on 10-Aug-2005 | The expertAn efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't
want to try these techniques at home."
??? Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
??? I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets,
often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you
try carrying several things at once?'"
??? Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
??? Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make
breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
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