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| Posted by jokes on 09-Aug-2005 | Complete coverageTwo men are in a doctor's office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?"
To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"
The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
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| Posted by Anastasia on 09-Aug-2005 | I've learned......that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
...that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
...that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
...that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
...that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
...that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
...that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
...that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
...that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
...that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
...that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
...that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
...to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Wojtek Dabrowski on 09-Aug-2005 | PaintersA beautiful girl is lying on a gurney, about to undergo a minor surgery.
She is wheeled into the corridor by a nurse, then left alone.
While the nurse is away, a young man in a white coat approaches the girl, takes the sheets away and starts examining her naked body.
He walks away and talks to another guy in a white coat. The second man comes over and starts examining her.
When a third man begins to examine her body, the girl begins to grow impatient.
???All of this examining is great, you guys are really thorough,??? she says. ???But when will I be having my operation????
The first man shrugs his shoulders. ???Beats me. We??™re just painting the hall.???
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Heather R. Winter on 09-Aug-2005 | Wrong uniformA police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Lucille's Balls on 09-Aug-2005 | Woman's gardenA woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen.
There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,
"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"
Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."
Well, what the hell? She does it.
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
"So, so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all five inches longer."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Carl J. Schirwing on 09-Aug-2005 | All for freeIt was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
Submitted by Calamjo
EDited by Curtis
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