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| Posted by Gene Geller on 11-Aug-2005 | Compliment?Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
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| Posted by Alex Jong on 11-Aug-2005 | Come Back TomorrowA New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
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| Posted by Amanda S. Lonick on 11-Aug-2005 | ChoicesA man was seated next to a stiff-looking Baptist minister on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The man asked for a whiskey and soda, which he got. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."
The man then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know there was a choice."
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| Posted by daguydude dada on 11-Aug-2005 | CarrotTwo women were digging in the garden. One pulls out a two foot carrot. She says, "This one reminds me of my husband's." The second woman says, "Your husbands is that long?" "No that dirty."
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| Posted by Jen Z on 11-Aug-2005 | Endless BabysittingWhen a woman's friend was having her third baby in four years, she volunteered to keep the older two children overnight. One night turned into several, and eventually the woman was running out of supplies. She asked her husband to go over and get some things from the friend's husband.
"Did he give you everything?" she asked.
"Yes," my husband said, grinning. "A box of diapers, two sacks of clothing and the children's birth certificates."
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| Posted by RYAN KRISHNAN on 11-Aug-2005 | EfficiencyAn efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Please DO NOT to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
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